So my plans for today were to go apply to some nasty little fast food joint I used to work at in high school because its my only chance at a job. The only experience I have. I then realized it was veterans day and they would probably not be open so I'm going tomorrow. After that Jeffrey and I just hung out around the house and his cousin pepper came over. Remember I said I drunkenly apologized to her? I don't remember what I said or what she said or if things are okay now.. She hasn't talked to me so I guess she's still upset with me. Not upset with Jeffrey though even though he verbally bitch slapped her for me when she was ugly to me :)
So I don't know what that means. I'm emotional, I know this, and I know that I have my own set of rules for our relationship. Poor Jeffrey, he doesn't know which way is up when it comes to not hurting my feelings.. but I digress, thats totally different post right there, lol. The way I see it is, I love Jeffrey and if anyone, my family or not, hurt his feelings, I wouldn't want anything to do with them until they apologized. Its beyond me how he doesn't feel the same way, but he doesn't. Pepper said something to him and he talked back. Naturally the emotional being that I am, I went into an emotional downward spiral. Silently of course, I've gotten amazing at not causing a scene. In-laws, and respect for your fiance will do that for you. Oh.. and growing up of course, lol. I'm over it now though, who cares? I don't want to waste my time thinking about someone so unessential to my life. Is that a healthy thought?
My school called today. I get to go back monday like nothing even happened. Mrs. Garza told me that I can make up the time I missed and still graduate on time. I'm signed up to take the EKG class, and Anatomy & Physiology this mod. Thats going to be really hard, so I will start making things up next mod. I'm excited. But I do need to get things straight before I start going to downtown every day. I need to get another driver's lisence and I need to find some car insurance! I know I know.. don't preach at me. :)
After that, my mom called to tell me my sister's cousin, Mike had died last night. He isn't my cousin, my sister and I have different dads. Terri and Kendall's phones won't be on until tomorrow, so her dad couldn't call to tell her and posted R.I.P. on facebook, my mom saw and sought out after details. Terri and Mike were very close growing up. So I went to her house so she could call her dad. Jeffrey didn't want to come with me, because he doesn't know how to handle these conversations. I was beyond hurt that he couldn't just be there for my sister like i'm always there for his family. So I went alone feeling negative and down trodden. She knew something was wrong when I got there. I just told her that her dad was trying to get a hold of her and that it was important. While she called I took care of the kids. Let me just tell you, When her face crumpled, my heart did. I never realized how much I would give to keep her from hurting. I love my sister so much. After all this, I saw that she really just needed me, and I was grateful Jeffrey foresaw that, and gave us our time together. I love him!
She was broken hearted and angry, and I was at a loss for words. How someone so young can take their life on purpose and leave three kids and a wife behind is beyond me. It hurt the most that Terri could understand his reasons. Shes both been there, felt that before. We were sitting there and she was crying and I was holding baby Taryn, and Kameron was still so happy and oblivious just playing like making us laugh was the single most important thing in the world. I was so happy in that moment to realize that while I could understand his feelings, not his reasons, and knowing that so many people right now felt that way, that life goes on. Kameron has been such a blessing and a suture that holds our family together. I wish life was as easy as Kameron thinks, that every tear is forgotten as soon as you laugh, and it breaks my heart to know that one day he'll realize thats not so. That one day his spirit will break too, one day he'll cry for other reasons than i'm hungry, i'm hurt, or i miss you. I love him. Today was a shit ass day for all of this, but it reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:
and the greatest things I've learned of life is this: it goes on.
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