You're lucky you can read this. No, really. I made the link on facebook hidden from family (including jeffrey's.)I have some feelings that i am not ready to share with them. So I gues its best not to even let them know I'm... feeling anything? Well you know what I mean.
Feelings are kind of a big deal to me. They are very personal and if I choose to share mine with you, you had better respect them. Unfortunately some people aren't like that. It is beyond me how people can ignore their emotions- ever, in any way. I had an experience like this recently.
I wanted to talk with jeffrey's mother, my mother in law to be, about the way she was making me feel lately. Before I go on, let me just say, she and I get along beautifully. We both go out of our way to do things for eachother on a constant basis. I really feel like shes already my mother (in law of course.) She takes care of me. Our talk turned into a disagreement and it ended very emotionaly. Thank God we've made up. It was so exhaustig being so upset for the three.. four? days we weren't talking.
Out of that situation Jeffrey's oldest sister is mad at me because she believe I was ugly to their mom. I wasn't, she wasn't, and jeffrey was there as a witness. Her being mad at me doesn't bother me so much because really who cares what a 33 year old living at home with her husband and two kids thinks? Not me. My life is far more together than hers. I'm sorry I know thats ugly. And I really don't even mean it.. much. The thing is it does bother me. Shannon and I were super close. Although even before this happened she was acting upset with me for some reason I don't understand. I hope we make up soon. I miss my other family, and jeffrey's house feels like enemy territory now. I know in time this will go away though.
What won't go away is jeffrey's cousin, Pepper. She's mad at me for the same reason. I was "fighting" with jeffrey's mom. I wasn't though. Really though, even if I was, as long as I wasn't disrespectful, or downright ugly who cares? It was no one's business but Jeffrey's, mine, and Lisa's. No one even knew what happened or what we were talking about. Pepper likes to hold grudges. Really long, relentless grudges. She doesn't let up, she doesn't forget, and she sure as hell doesn't forgive. She told jeffrey she was "done" with me, and that we could no longer be friends ever again. I hate when people are mad at me. Especially pepper because she has a way of making you feel extremely unwelcome, and she'll be at every family event. It's fine though it wasn't much of a friendship she talked, I listend. CONSTANTLY.
I had read a lot of Andy Andrews books a while back and learned a secret to success is forgiveness. He said forgiveness is not a gift to be given.No one you are mad at is sitting around worrying "omg! when will ___ forgive me?" they go on with their lives. Meanwhile you spend all kinds of time and energy holding onto anger that isn't hurting them, it's hurting you. So wheter or not she forgives me, I don't care her forgiveness doesn't make or break who I am.
Speaking of forgiveness, about six months ago I quit talking to a friend who I really really really really started to miss. I'm considering making things right with her. I haven't decided yet though. When she exited my life, she said a lot of hurtful things to me about me and everyone in my life. I guess for that reason I'll sit on this idea until i've weighed all the options, and i'll let time tell. I have so much more to say but I'll end here for now. Toodles!
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