The universe is made of stories, not atoms.

I was searching the web and came across this native american proverb too beautiful not to share with you.

Walk tall like trees, live your life as 

strong as the mountains, be as soft 

as the spring breezes, keep the warmth 

of the sun in your heart, and the Great 

Spirit will always be with you.

I don't mean to get all hippie or anything, but words are good. When you put the right ones together at the right time it came heal hearts or move mountains. When you put the wrong ones together at a bad time it can break hearts, relationships, feelings, trust, and everything. When you put them to music, it can transport you to another time. You can live in a memory for  2 minutes and 47 seconds. Just something I thought I'd share with you guys. My hearts been a little heavy today. With good and bad feelings. I think its beautiful how capable and swiftly we can adapt and change. Like one minute you can laugh and the next you can cry. God sure knew what he was doing when he put all his plans into place. Thats all I've got for you tonight babies. Hope you enjoyed it. 

Nerdy is short for a well rounded individual

Today was good. Long, but good. I got up early and went to Janey's wedding. I'm really glad I got to be there for her. I'm so happy for her. We had quit talking for a while so I was only around her with coy when they first got together. I saw them together today and it was very obvious to me that they cared about eachother. I remember one summer back in highschool when Janey called me crying hysterically because her then boyfriend and first love broke up with her for "having different religious views." Janey never cries. Shes come so far. It just reminds me how much we have gone through together. Yeah I know, stop being so sappy.

After that Jeffrey and I went to the hospital to see both of my maternal grandparents. Grandma is in ICU because she her hemoglobin is low and is having trouble making red blood cells She'll definitely be okay though. Grandpa fainted while holding her hand while they tried to give her an IV. He will be okay too. I'm glad they'll both be okay and it was really nice to see them. I'm sad it had to be under those circumstances. I do love them. Very much. I just can't imagine being "apart" of that family anymore. I'm not going to air all of my family's dirty laundry or name names  or anything trashy or immature, but I am going to say that there was some gross injustice some odd years ago. I just now years later, and years older understand what happened. I do not wish to see one person in that family. That is what keeps me personally away. I know that she is apart of the family though and will always be there. I can't trust myself not to be ugly continuously and so degrading to her. My mother never held me from my family, I chose not to apart of it for my own reasons. Mostly support for my mother. I don't want anything to do with anyone who wants to hurt her.

Point of saying all that is that woman was there when I visited my grandpa. I found it very difficult to be civil then while he was laying in a hospital bed. I'm not telling you all this so that you can make sense of it yourself. I'm just spitting out whats on my mind. Also this is one more reason I feel lucky to have Jeffrey. I have his family. I'm apart of his family now too. So at least I have them. Its not the same, but it some ways its better. After that we came home and Jeffrey went back to bed and I called my mom and convinced her to go see her  mom. I'm really glad that she did and that they talked. Even if it means nothing is going to change between them. I think they should get to see who eachother is now Anyways... again. For the rest of the day while jeffrey slept I just played my sims. I've mastered the athletic skill and now I'm working on logic and painting. I know how nerdy am I? Also right now I am listening to the spice girls and watching Baby play Fable 2. We are both trying to finish that up so we can start three which was a christmas present. :D Speaking of how nerdy I am, which I am proud of, when I'm done with this I'm not sure whether to play some more sims or to read my greek mythology book (for FUN) until I pass out. In other news, I found an apartment complex Jeffrey and I will be able to afford when he starts working. I don't care about the outside as long as its liveable on the inside and I'm not scared to be there alone. I want to go look at them soon.

Catholic state of mind?

To be honest, I did nothing today. It was great. I sat around and read, after sleeping most of the day. Last night I took my first birth control pill. I'm excited and scared about that. Excited because I want to be regulated, and because I don't want any tiny thibodauxs crawling around. Scared because... well scared isn't the right word. I just feel anxious I guess. I feel like this is the hormonal balance I was born with. I don't want to add or subtract any hormones and change my natural body balance. I feel like I might be messing with destiny? Like the butterfly theory. If I'm supposed to get pregnant but can't because I'm avoiding it will I have a different baby then one I was destined to have when ever that time comes? Was I destined to have one soon but now won't have one until we decide we are ready? Then again, was I destined to decide to take the pill? Conundrum.

Thats whats going on in my mind... ANYWAYS. I took my first pill last night, and forgot tonight. So I took it an hour later. I don' think that will make much of a difference unless I do that all the time. I wish I had work, I need money. On the plus side though, I'm off for tomorrow so I get to go to Janey's wedding. I'm happy for that. I wish I could afford to get them a present now, but I told her and she gets it, they will get one later on. Probably when they get to live together and it will be wedding/housewarming. There really isn't much else to say except that I can't believe Kameron will be two on the first. :( He's so big now. I could cry just thinking about it. Last thing on today's list of events is that I let raylen paint my fingernails and harley paint my tonails. they very much enjoyed that, and it doesn't look that awful- lol. Its clear with glitter. I guess it would be kind of hard to fudge that up. Love them SO.MUCH. Later babies.

Jackie's Song

Sorry I am so late. Ugh, its been a long day. I did not want to get up for work, but I did. I worked for five hours, and made shit tips. In five hours I mad $6.96 in tips! WTF, I'm so ready to be back to evenings. Maybe it was just because yesterday was christmas?? Is that greedy? Idk.. Speaking of work, I'm pretty sure one of my managers hate me. Her name is stacey. She is the one who trained me for carhopping. She was plenty nice then, but a few nights ago, we were both having a bad night. I kept forgetting receipts when I would bring out orders and I put a nickel in the penny slot in my changer. It turned sideways and got stuck. She was really rude to me about it. It was an accident. Let me quote Janey about this one, "its fast food, If I had a college degree I wouldn't be working here." I guess she really was on a power trip. Ever since that night, she has been kind of rude to me. Not like... blatently, but she seems frustrated/annoyed with me constantly. Whatever though. I don't think she has any real authority.

Today was pretty good. Did I say that already? Well, it was. When I got off work Janey and I went out for sushi. It was really good. I've been craving sushi. And it was really nice to see Janey again. She's so tiny now. She doesn't really look the same. Lets not even start talking about weight though. UGH. After that we just went back to her parent's place since there is nothing  to do in baytown but eat or get drunk. We just hung out and talked about weddings and wedding registries and their plans and whatnot. Since she is getting married on tuesday. I can't believe it! I'm also happy to say at this second in time I am genuinely happy for her. Not that I wasn't before, I was just jealous beyond reason. Still am, but I go through emotional stages. Sometimes it eats me alive and sometimes it is barely on the back of my mind.

I don't go back to work until thursday, so luckily I get to be at Janey and Coy's wedding. Speaking so much of weddings my cousin, Krissy, posted the proffessional pictures from her wedding a few days ago. She had a small wedding in a public park like place. The pictures made me feel kind of okay with something like that. I wouldn't mind a small wedding like that as long as I still got to be Jeffrey's wife. Okay.. and wear a beautiful dress too. But thats my prerogative, every little girl imagines her dress so you should get to wear a pretty one that day. There is so much planning to be done, but first there is so much money to be made. I don't want to delve into that massive topic either right now. Instead I'll just tell you about how I got the movie hes just not that into you today and Jeffrey and I just watched it. It was a really great/funny/sweet movie. I loved it. Not to mention the main character gigi, scarlette johansen, looked just like janey. On a side note, I miss jackie.  I really miss her. I wish we could be together more. Bask in these memories with me:

This girl. What can I tell you? We learned who we were together. With out her, I wouldn't be me. Our friendship lasted even when she moved so from sixty miles away. Thats far away when you can't drive!! We learned to do our hair together, we figured out or make up together. We mended eachothers broken hearts, we cried together and we laughed together. I love you Jackie Idell! I wouldn't be the same without you.

Thats all babies!

Christmas post

I know that I haven't updated in a few days, and I feel bad about it because there were some things i really wanted to write about. Oh well I guess. I'm beyond exhausted right now so I am going to try to keep this short and sweet. Christmas was amazing!! Iwas really mad because they had me scheduled to work on christmas eve and that's when all of jeffys family gets together to exchange presents but I went home sick and was able to make it after all. Can I just say best christmas ever? Jeffrey got me a real pearl necklace!! It's beautiful!!!! He knows that I've always wanted one. So sweet of him. I almost cried when I opened it. Mom got me an iPod touch which I am writing this post on. And it's awesome I love it!!!!! Kirk got me a bunch of books on Greek mythology like I asked for and a miniature statue of a clarinet. I had a great christmas and would love to fill you in on everything else, but im so tired and I work kind if early tomorrow. I promise to write tomorrow, babies!!

So many monies. :D

I'm disappointed no one had any comments on my last blog post.. Oh well, what can you do? Man am I exhausted. I went to school for five hours, and then to the store to buy a lanyard thing for work so I could scan out easier. Don't ask I don't feel like explaining. Then I worked for four hours. I know when I say it like that, it doesn't seem like much, but we were SOO busy. I was there for two hours before I even got to take a drink or rest for a second. Why highlands, why did you all have to come out at once. It was not all bad though. I'd probably be okay with doing it again, that busily. The other night I was soo excited I made eleven dollars in tips for three hours. Let me just help you visualize how busy we were: I worked for four hours. One hour more. I made $51.22 in tips!! Can you believe it??! Thats AMAZING!! :D So yes, I am exhausted and my feet hurt so badly, but I would do it again in a new york second. :D I'm so proud of myself. "No one tips at sonic." Suck it. I don't have much else now since I updated earlier, so I'll talk to you babies tomorrow!

I have a tiny angry bump on my tongue!

I'm in a much better state of mind than I was in my last post. I was laying the bed watching tv and on the computer after writing that blog. Somehow the channel changed I think I was laying on the remote or something, and Joel Olsteen ended up coming on. He was talking about how God has a time for everything. If you're waiting on something to just keep waiting because God knows the desires of your heart, and when the time is PERFECT he will give you what you need. I guess it was just what I needed to hear. So then I found a website that isn't as high end as the knot, therefore closer to our price range. See it here, Wedding Wire. I found that we could get married at the haak winery for well in our price range. See it here, Make sure you look at the pictures!!

Its pretty, its in our price range, and it knocks out the caterer too. I mostly want an all inclusive package so I can just tweak and personalize the details instead of have to plan it all myself. So we are going to look there I should call for an appointment soon. :) I'll update you on that when it happens. Actually lately I've been much more optimistic about my weight. Not that its gotten much better, but for some reason I feel pretty again. Well most of the time. Can I just interrupt my self for a moment and say that Jade is driving me crazy? OMG. She won't stop pacing in front of me and whining. I'm going home tonight now that my mom is done being sick. Is that ugly? I just can't afford going to the dr. Speaking of affording things, I paid my bills for this month and finished my christmas shopping. Now I'm going to be living pay check to pay check.

I'm okay with that since I only have three bills to pay and the rest will go on gas. I guess Joel Olsteen was right, I'd been looking for a job and right when I REALLY needed one, God came through. I'm really starting to work on my faith again. Feels nice to not be so alone. I know this is an awful thing to say, but part of whats holding me back is the hate in my heart. I'm not ready to let it go. I'm not ready to be a bigger person. I guess I should be working on that too. "/ *Sigh. Also just a though I'd like you all to ponder with me: Kids are supposed to see through everything in their innocence, right? What age does that stop being true? Ten? I'd say ten. It was just proven to me when Jade told me, "my daddy is a good person." How can a ten yearl old possibly understand an recognize the components that make a "good" person. I still have trouble with it, SO.MUCH.GREY.AREA. Tell me, what do you think makes a person good?

I have a tiny angry bump on my tongue!

I'm in a much better state of mind than I was in my last post. I was laying the bed watching tv and on the computer after writing that blog. Somehow the channel changed I think I was laying on the remote or something, and Joel Olsteen ended up coming on. He was talking about how God has a time for everything. If you're waiting on something to just keep waiting because God knows the desires of your heart, and when the time is PERFECT he will give you what you need. I guess it was just what I needed to hear. So then I found a website that isn't as high end as the knot, therefore closer to our price range. See it here, Wedding Wire. I found that we could get married at the haak winery for well in our price range. See it here, Make sure you look at the pictures!!

Its pretty, its in our price range, and it knocks out the caterer too. I mostly want an all inclusive package so I can just tweak and personalize the details instead of have to plan it all myself. So we are going to look there I should call for an appointment soon. :) I'll update you on that when it happens. Actually lately I've been much more optimistic about my weight. Not that its gotten much better, but for some reason I feel pretty again. Well most of the time. Can I just interrupt my self for a moment and say that Jade is driving me crazy? OMG. She won't stop pacing in front of me and whining. I'm going home tonight now that my mom is done being sick. Is that ugly? I just can't afford going to the dr. Speaking of affording things, I paid my bills for this month and finished my christmas shopping. Now I'm going to be living pay check to pay check.

I'm okay with that since I only have three bills to pay and the rest will go on gas. I guess Joel Olsteen was right, I'd been looking for a job and right when I REALLY needed one, God came through. I'm really starting to work on my faith again. Feels nice to not be so alone. I know this is an awful thing to say, but part of whats holding me back is the hate in my heart. I'm not ready to let it go. I'm not ready to be a bigger person. I guess I should be working on that too. "/ *Sigh. Also just a though I'd like you all to ponder with me: Kids are supposed to see through everything in their innocence, right? What age does that stop being true? Ten? I'd say ten. It was just proven to me when Jade told me, "my daddy is a good person." How can a ten yearl old possibly understand an recognize the components that make a "good" person. I still have trouble with it, SO.MUCH.GREY.AREA. Tell me, what do you think makes a person good?

Maybe I'm Crazy

Today was my day off. Turns out I'm off until wednesday though. I'm happy and sad about that. Tomorrow I have school, I'm nervous that I missed something by accidentally missing thursday. Ugh! I'm pretty positive I have some kind of sleeping disorder. I took a test on webmd earlier and it said I need to talk to my doctor about OSA meaning obstructive sleep apnea, and narcolepsy. I'm 9 thousand percent sure that I'm not narcoleptic. Jeffrey felt awful when he got up today. We're pretty sure its a kidney stone that he has. Luckily his mommy is a nurse so she sent some stuff from work home for me to take care of him with. 

Last night Jeffrey and I had a long talk. I hate that we aren't married. I hate waiting. He said if I really wanted we could get married in march so it can be on my mom and dad's anniversary like I really really want. That was our original plan but then I started school and we were going to wait until I was out so we opted for our anniversary instead in october. I'm going to still be in school then anyway now so Jeffrey said we  could try to plan a wedding for march but he won't be happy having to rush through planning it. So I guess we'll probably end up waiting until next october, because I'll be happier with my wedding if I have time to make it perfect. But at the same  time I don't really see how it matters since a ten thousand dollar wedding budget is not very much at all and I don't think I can get what I want with that. 

I know that sounds awful, but weddings are expensive. My dream dress is extremely expensive. I won't tell you how much, but well over half of our 10k budget. Look at how beautiful it is! not that it would look that beautiful on me, but a girl can dream. Point is.. I hate that he isn't my husband, that we are waiting so long to start our forever. That people get married everyday for stupid reasons and jump into relationships that won't last and I have a perfect relationship with an amazing man, and being completely his is just out of my grasp. It doesn't help that I'm the most impatient person in the world. I want to be happy for my friends when things go right for them, but I don't find myself being happy when I hear, guess what??!! I'm getting married. It just kind of makes me mad at Jeffrey. I don't know why, and I can't help it.

I'm not a total jealous raving bitch or anything. It's more like I'm very sad/jealous. Jeffrey and I have been engaged for more than six months now. "/ My good friend Janey is getting married on the 28th. I am happy for her, yes, but not about it. Because I don't have it. I get to go watch another one of my friends skip off into the sunset while I want nearly another fucking year. I'm so mad. Mad in a sad way. Ugh. Idk I'm just mad and sad and jealous and pessimistic. Don't look at me. :(

Jenny in the sky with diamonds???

So sorry its so late I just got off work at 10:30. Not that I'm complaining. I had a great night. It was even fun. *GASP work is fun?? I learned to carhop tonight. I was SOO nervous! Not to mention making an awful mess. My paycheck is going to be pretty hefty too! I get paid biweekly. Let me take a minute to explain how my pay works. When I am clocked in as crew, crew meaning anything other than a carhop, I make minimum wage. Thats $7.25 an hour. When I am clocked in as a carhop I make $3.13 an hour plus tips. I know right? Who tips at sonic? WRONG! But I'll get to that in a minute. $3.13 an hour sucks ass right? So sonic is so nice that when you're clocked in as a carhop making $3.13 an hour plus tips that if your 3.13 and tips don't add up to what minimum wage would be they pay you the difference. Awesome right?

So tuesday I worked for two and half hours as crew, and yesterday I worked for four and a half hours as crew. Tonight I worked for two hours as crew, and for three hours as a carhop. In tips I made $10.86 for just three hours. I think that is good. If its not don't tell  me and spoil my excitement. It would have been $10.96 but I paid ten cents for a drink because I was thirsty. I wouldn't even have to pay if I bring my own cup from home as long as it has a lid. So basically I'm excited. I really like playing time management games when I'm on the computer and bored. Like diner dash and wedding dash and such. I felt like I was actually in diner dash while at work, and thats why it was fun. Don't judge me, I am fully aware of how nerdy that was. :)

So my shirt is bright ass lime green and neon yellow, and my feet hurt like a mother, I'm really happy with my choice, and God's grace in giving me a job. It was beyond time and need. I'd just like to share how happy I am today. God is good, and I have an awesome family- even if they drive me insane, and an amazing fiance. I've got my financial situation at least somewhat under control, and I am in school trying to better myself. Jeffrey and I had a deal that if he didn't make at least a $100 this month before christmas that he had to get another job because I am  not going to be the only one working. Its almost christmas and unless he works his booty off with primerica he isn't going to make that deadline. I don't mind primerica, I do believe its a good company and I love the opprotunity and possibilities it offers. I know it works, His brother and sister in law sold their plumbing company and she quit her teaching job and they are supporting themselves very well.

I know its Jeffrey's "dream" and thats wonderful too! I love that he has dreams and goals. I hate that he has the ambition of a Thibodaux though. He won't do what he has to do to make his way up the ladder in tat business. I don't know if he doesn't get it or doesn't care that since this is his dream right now is the only PERFECT time to do it. We aren't married yet, he lives at home with NO bills, and we don't have children (thank God) right now is the only time he can invest in this company that hes going to  need to make it. I set the bar pretty low a $100 in 25 days? Easy. His brother Johnny is some kind of manager at El Torro and said he can get him a job. So after christmas if he hasn't made the money, he promised to tell him he wants a job. I'm hoping for this. Not because I'm a dream crusher, but because I want him to work. Thats all I've got tonight, babies.

Tea party time with miss raylen

She's sooo cute!! To be honest, I really don't remember what kept me from posting. I'm too tired to remember anything. Did I mention that I'm tired? Or that my feet are killing me? My feet are killing me. Ow. ZZZZZzzz.... I am supposed to work tomorrow too, I go in at five and I don't know when I get off. I'll probably be exhausted then too. So the only thing I have to tell you tonight is that I can not believe they decided to start me on a friday night. It was SOO busy! I got the hang of it as time went on. I'm sorry that I don't feel much like talking. Hopefully I'll catch you guys tomorrow.

My first real revelation!

Well my first real revelation since I named this blog revelations and haven't shared one with y'all yet, now I will. Read on. I'm not feeling witty, or inspirational, or bubbly or prolific, or exceptional, or fantastic today. I think I'm just going to waste some time. So nothing really happened today. I've just been thinking a lot about how every once in a while, I wish there were instructions for life. You know? LIke, Smile here. Perfect that. Lie there. Avoid this. But then I wonder, who would I be without those mistakes? And would I be okay with compromising myself for perfection? Imperfections are so much more true, and beautiful.  There's such beauty in mistakes and what you walk away from with because of them. And there's beauty in imperfections - our  quirks. There's beauty in almost everything if you look hard enough with an open mind and fair perspective. I think this all came from finishing my book. The Lovely Bones. It was amazing! And the end was written so beautifully. I now hope to see the movie. Who cares if thats a little backwards? Imperfections right? 

I also though a lot about what I want to do with my life today. I still haven't figured it out, there are so many choices!! The original plan was to finish my MA program in July/August and the work for a year or so as a medical assistant. After a year or so I wanted to go back to school and do sonography. Today I began to ponder NOT taking a year off and automatically starting another program. Also maybe a different program. LIke being a CVT (cardiovascular technician) who basically does ultrasound on the heart. Or just plain old sonography like I planned which is ultrasound for those who didn't know. If not those two I could become a surgical technician, setting up and assisting major operations. It gets better, last but not least anesthesia tech. I'm undecided about which program, but I think that I will go ahead and try to not take a year off. Although I'm also undecided about whether or not I will try to find work as a medical assistant while I'm in school or stay with sonic or wherever I am at that point. So many decisions. This too had some part of my tiny speech above.. I guess I'm feeling pressure to pick the right career for me. I guess time will tell all, its not like I have to decide tomorrow. What do you guys think I should do and why?? 

This made me laugh: 

Thats all tonight loves! 

Sock monkies are SOO cute!

Why must children be so afraid of them? I will make my kids have one, and love it! Alright I lied. I'm not too tired to write. Last night before I went to bed my baby gave me a nice long foot massage, and then he rubbed my back until I went to sleep. He's so good to me. Obviously that put me in a good mood for when I went to school and they didn't want to let me make my hours up. I didn't freak out on them and I guess that helped because they were all like, "okay- but just this once." I came home and rushed around and went to work at five. The manager, Greg, showed me how to clock in and then just set me up on the computer to do my "star training." SO.MUCH.READING.  Now I am certified in sonic safe or something, and guest services. I don't work again until friday. "/ Thats because three other new people started this week and he can't work us all at the same time. I actually get to work a station on friday. Exciting right? lol. Now I'm all relaxing.. Well, trying to. Our nieces are driving me crazy! I can't wait for Jeffrey and I to have our own place. I'm going to watch sixteen and pregnant and have dinner then pass out early! Thats the plan anyway, but I rarely actually sleep early. "/ Nighty night, babies!

Bet you weren't expecting this

I don't really have anything to say right now. Although its rare that I start my blog with a purpose. I usually just spit everything on my mind out. Oh well, it seems to be working so far. :) I chose not to go to school today for the last day. So I exceeded my hours. I get to go make them up tomorrow though. If I would have gone to school today I would have tomorrow off. So I figured I'd switch them and give myself a four day weekend. It was a good idea too since I stayed up so late. I didn't go to bed until 7 AM. Jeffrey and I were watching The Others. I saw it once when it first came out but didn't really remember it. I was too scared to go to bed after that for a while, thats why I didn't go to bed until 7!

I'm a total nerd, I know this, but it was very apparent last night when I was wondering if I was alive after watching that movie. Lol. SPOILER ALERT??! Even though I don't know if it can be considered a spoiler alert for such an old movie. Turns out in the end, that the family is actually dead and the "ghosts" are the alive people. They had no recollection of dying. I was tired and scared and was wondering if I was actually alive after our car accident last year. Don't judge me. Just thought I would let y'all know that. I start work tomorrow. For this I am so excited. I used to be very close to God. I almost wrote religious, but it wasn't religious. I had an actual growing, changing, loving, friendship, father-daughter relationship with God.

Long story short I let some people and habits come before God. Time passed and church was just put on the back burner. My fault, and I've really wanted to make that change and get back to God. I plan on that now. I wanted to go to church sunday but didn't go to bed early enough saturday night. I prayed so hard the whole way home from school last week for God to help me get a job so I can get all my priorities in line. He did, so now its my turn to take a step towards him I think. I'm excited about that. I hope Jeffrey wll come along for that ride. He's never really known him the way I have.

My first day of work is tomorrow. I'm super excited. Much more excited than I should be about soinc, lol. I don't go in until five and I'll probably be too tired to write tomorrow night, so I guess I'll see you guys wednesday night!

Chronicles of a Fat-Ass

This is my 30th blog post! I promise I won't get excited again until number fifty! Lol. Nothing really happened today. I went looking for work pants because I start on tuesday. Ugh shopping for clothes is officially depressing. I don't want to spend a whole entry whining about how fat I am, but I'm really down about it today. I will try a lot harder now. I downloaded a calorie counter/food and exercise diary on my phone. That ought to be a good start. Maybe I can observe my habits so that I know how to change. It sounds simple right? Eat better food, smaller portions, and burn off more calories than you take in. Why can't I do that? Its the answer to all of my problems! Hopefully working will help out with the weight loss. I'll be up and on my feet and won't have much time to eat. If I'm really lucky I will become repulsed by burgers and fries after being surrounded by it all the time.

I've never had to deal with trying to loose weight before. I've always been able to eat what I want when I want and how much of it I want with no consequences. I guess my metablosism came to a screeching hault when high school marching band wasn't keeping me in shape and I was on a college sleeping schedule and I don't exercise. The app on my phone let me put in my weight now and my goal weight and at which rate I would like to loose weight. I put two pounds a week. So it told me I should only take in 1200 calories a day. I didn't think my eating habits were atrocious, but when I put in what I had for lunch alone I had exceeded my daily calorie intake. I guess now I know for tomorrow. Its also time to look up so light cardio exercises and ab workouts that won't overwhelm me. I don't think I'm ready for anyones advice yet. Its a very touchy topic in general for me, and especially today. I guess thats just because I tried to go shopping. It was god awful. When the biggest double digit size I could find in the store doesn't fit right its time to re-evaluate myself. Let me end this entry by saying, I feel like dying would be easier than achieving my goal weight.

Not much of a blog

I was going to start this off for apologizing for not writing, but its my blog. Therefore it is on my time and my terms. :) I feel like I've been so busy!! Now on top of everything my body is so sore because Jeffrey and I rearranged his room last night. It looks so good! I even swept and mopped the whole room. :D Yesterday I went and filled out all the paper work for sonic and things. Its totally lame to be excited, but I am, and I'm proud of myself. Don't judge me. I'm supposed to call after five today to get my schedule for this week.

In other news, I'm so tired of certain in laws. I know this is ugly, but I honestly would not be sad if they didn't exist. Its hilarious to me that they are mad. I'm to the point where I'm over it. Now she's just wasting her time and energy being mad at me. Thats funny.  The only thing I'm mad about is that I can't say or do anything ugly back because it's more important to me not to upset Jeffrey's mom. She takes it really hard when any of us are fighting. So to make sure I'm not going to say anything to shannon I've been staying away from her. One wrong look will set me off this time. Biting my tongue hurts especially when the other party isn't willing to. I did spend the night last night though because it was late when we finished.

You know what else grinds my gears? Other people's kids. I don't even want kids anymore. Well for 15 years. "/ Ugh I'm done for now.

You're not Peter Pan

So grow up! But I'll get to that later.. So I didn't get to post last night because I was passed out. At home. In my own bed. It was so great I think I'll do it again tonight. Early, like last night. I still didn't want to get up, but I did discover today that I can leave the house at six fifty and stop for breakfast and still make it to school on time. AWESOME! In fact a lot of the traffic was thinned out by then. New plan? I think so! Today was the last day of my mod and I rocked my finals. :D I am not excited about next mod. I'm going back to the one I left when Terri was having Taryn. :( I won't be with any of my friends and one of the teachers is a real bitch. The class was awfully boring too.

Today I gave blood. I'm O positive so its important that I do. It feels so nice to help out. So nice in fact that instead of sleeping in tomorrow I'm going to volunteer at the Houston Food Bank again. This time instead of working on the assembly line packing boxes and stuff I get to sit in the heater and answer phones. Thats definitely a better deal. Saturday morning I get to go to "work" and sign all the papers and watch the safety videos.No fun but I'm strangely excited. I get to start this week.

I've been super busy for the past few days and as you can see will be for a while now. Thats a good thing minus all the exhaustion- but its also good because I'm too busy to be angry with the people I'm mad at. I do have a minute right now though, so let me just say this:
I think its hilarious how mature some people are. You think its hurting me that you don't answer me when I speak directly to you? WRONG! My life is a million times better with out your bitch ass in it. I don't want to talk either, I just though we could be decent. My mistake. I assumed you acted your age. What WAS I thinking?!! Fuck you and your husband you rode in on. Now I'm done wasting my time and my energy talking about you. thats all for today. I am ready to go to bed.

The blog with no name

You're not going to believe this! Best worst day ever. It was definitely back and forth- ALL DAY. I went to bed super early last night. I woke up and felt not sleepy at all, it was so odd to me. I got to school and I was okay. Then when I got out I had to pick up Raylen and Jeffrey was just on my nerves for some reason. He wasn't really doing anything but he was making me mad. Then he was all like, Yeah sure sounds great let me not even ask my fiancee how she feels or if we have plans. So I fought with him the whole time we were in the car. Then it just magically dissolved for no reason and we were fine like five minutes later. Thats how it always goes with us. After then I had to get to my Interview. I was so nervous and excited. I prayed the whole way home from school because I really need a job. I was pulling out of the neighborhood and the car in front of me went to turn out. So I did too. Only the car stopped all of a sudden and I didn't. I love tapped this girls car. I felt awful. Luckily it was a small dent on their car and nothing happened to mine. I gave them my insurance and it should take care of it. No big deal but I felt sooo bad! I'm always early. ALWAYS. I have like panic attacks or anxiety attacks or whatever it is when I'm late. I don't know why but the idea of being late really bothers me. I was late. Only by two minutes- but late. I was so nervous I knew I was going to blow the interview. Good luck for me is that God listens, and I talk a whole lot when I'm nervous. I guess that came off really bubbly and friendly though. I got the job! I know its sonic and thats still gross but I'm so proud of myself. :D and SOOOO happy. <3 They're gonna teach me to skate! I mean I can skate- but not well lol. One good thing about that is when I'm done everyday Jeffrey will have to rub my feet! I'm ready to go home. So I think that tomorrow I will. I have to go in for paperwork saturday and then I'll start next week. Jeffrey's brother and sister in law didn't pay their light bill so they are here tonight too. We left to go christmas shopping and they are in his bed asleep. Ugh. I have school in the morning and I can't sleep in the living room for shit. Its loud and bright and I can't stretch out on the couch. They didn't even ask- thats just rude. No one over here asks though. That bothers me. They know Jeffrey won't say no so they just take whatever they want or do whatever. Its things like this that I think about when I consider the possibility of living here when we get married. Speaking of doing things for everyone I don't know who is going to pick Raylen up from school when I start working. Oh well they'll figure it out its not my job or responsibility. As ugly as that sounds I really don't mean it to sound ugly, but I'm tired of having kids. Oh wait.. I don't. I know I was all over the place tonight. Sorry about that. Its my blog though if you don't like it you don't have to read it.

Short and ... Sour?

Basically, I feel like a train hit me- twice. For whatever reason Jeffrey and I didn't go to bed at all again last night. everytime I say its a bad idea yet I keep doing it. Retard? Definitely. Other than being utterly exhausted I had a pretty good day. I probably didn't hear anything the teacher said at school today. Which sucks because she explained it to us today and the quiz is tomorrow. I'll live.

So when we got home Jeffrey let me take about an hour or so of a nap. He had to literally drag me out of bed so that I'll be able to go to bed tonight. Isn't he amazing? He takes such good care of me. He said I can go to bed at eight so I'm just counting down. Fifty nine minutes to go! Hell Yeah!!! I'll update tomorrow for sure.

What a Beautiful thought

People often say that beauty is in the 
eye of the beholder, and I say that the 
most liberating thing about beauty is 
realizing that you are the beholder. This 
empowers us to find beauty in places 
where others have dared not to look, 
including inside ourselves.
 
- salma hayek

Yay this is my 25th post! it should be more, but I don't have time to write every night, including last night. Yesterday we went to the Thibodaux Christmas party, which is the one time a year we see Jeffrey's Dad's side of the family. We all usually dread it because all we do is sit at a table and make fun of everyone, but it was actually fun this year. I got two good bits of news while there, the first was that pepper isn't mad at me anymore. Which is good because its just exhausting attempting to avoid people I don't want to deal with. The second is that while I was in line making Jeffrey a burger sonic called me and they want to give me an interview! I'm excited because I'd much rather work there than village, granted beggars can't be choosers. Whoever is going to hire me can hire me. I'll get some experience and find a less gross job after the fact.

After we came home from the Thibodaux party we all came back home. I do mean all. All five of his other siblings and their spouses came over. It was nice but very very loud. People started leaving but Johnny, Sheena, and Raylen all stayed. We played pictionary until 3:30 AM and then rock band until four. Needless to say I slept until two today. Don't judge me- I don't have a job yet but I am looking and it wasn't a school night. The only reason I'm still awake right now is because I slept until two and can not sleep now, I tried. I was just going to put off posting until tomorrow but figured i'd knock it out since I was up anyway.

This is my last week of this mod! It went by so fast. Of course it would since I liked it so much. In case you're wondering that means I start a new set of classes on monday of next week. I'm excited I just hope its something interesting like phlebotomy! I will suck your blood! hahah... okay I'm done now. I'm so excited for christmas. I love giving people my gifts. I also really really want the ipod touch I asked for. I know that I got it. I had to have if mom is buying kirk a three hundred dollar tool. I know Jeffrey is going to be one happy little boy and I wish so hard that I could tell you all why. Things have been pretty great with us lately. Not that they were bad before, but for the past two weeks or so I just feel so deeply in love with him all the time. Even when hes on my last nerve. I won't get all mushy or anything but yeah.

I know that I'm about to talk about something out of order, but its my blog so I can do that. Two nights ago Jeffrey and I stayed up all night, we didn't go to bed until seven thirty AM. Partly because he was playing video games and partly because I really wanted to go for kolaches. So at six thirty we pryed our selves from what we were doing and drove all the way across town to a donut shop that had a drive through because neither of us felt like putting our shoes on- don't judge me! Anyways we got to talking about our plans for when we get married and directly after. I imagined we'd move into an apartment, and stay there for a year or two then use my big annuity check to put a down payment on a house because by then we'll probably have a baby. Hopefully not babies! lol.

I don't exactly remember how it came up, but Jeffrey said something along the lines of maybe we could just live at home with his parents for a year and save money then use my check for a downpayment so we can start off in a house and have a lot of savings too. I like that idea. Well, I like the financial aspect of that idea. I am worried about that plan though because I want to be respected as a married couple when we are married. I want to be able to live our lives. I like the way things are now, but when we are married and I have a career and Jeffrey is building his business I don't want to come home and have to deal with nieces and picking them up and dropping them off when it isn't my responsibility. I won't do it then. I just fear that things won't be any different that way. Who knows though. Its definitely something to think about, and we do have a whole year to decide. What do you think about this plan?

Thats all I have to say for now. See you kids tomorrow!

A tiny trip down Memory Lane.

Today was good. I slept in for the first time all week. I didn't get up till one! It was GLORIOUS!! Today was the Baytown Christmas Parade. Raylen and Harley were in it for their dance class. They are growing up so fast! I still remember the first time I ever saw Raylen. She was two years old, and probably the cutest thing I had ever seen at that point. She had tiny brown pigtails and eyes so big you'd swear she was looking into your heart. We were at one of Jeffrey's orchestra concerts. Yes, my baby the musician,! Jarod, Jeffrey's brother was holding her and she was leaning out away from him, towards the table of food reaching as hard as she could. All she  said was, "Uh cuppacake!" My heart melted.

Jeffrey and I met in highschool. We had algebra together freshman year. We didn't talk though. Fate brought us together again junior year. The day had seven periods and we had five together. So we began to talk in class that way. I was dating Tim at the time so nothing came of it. I was definitely interested in Jeffrey though. Instead we became good friends. We talked everyday about what was going on in our lives. I told him about my family and my friends and the awesome career I had planned for myself back  then. I was going to double major in linguistics and political science. Too bad that fell through, lol. He told me about his family and his family, that was basically all. I could tell from back then they were super important to him. He told me everything, even about Sandi's ass of a boyfriend, and how Shannon was pregnant.

He texted me on the last day of school junior year to tell me that since it was summer and we wouldn't see eachother for three months he finally had the courage to tell me he liked me. Almost a month into senior year Tim and I broke up and a month later Jeffrey left his girlfriend for me. A week later was homecoming and it was also our first date. Before we went to meet Janey, Ashley, Brittany and Gilbert to take pictures our parents wanted to take some of just us. So mom and I came over to the Thibodaux house where I met everyone for the first time. Including Harley. Tiny two month old baby Harley. She was gorgeous. I still remember that I met everyone again on new years and I wanted to hold Harley- Jeffrey wouldn't let me because I had nothing to clean my hands with and Shannon was really anal about that. I understand though I will be too. I still tease him about that.

Shannon and Kenny lived in san marcos for almost the whole first two years we were together. I only saw Harley when they would come down for the weekend or for holidays. I loved her though. She had the prettiest little curls and the sweetest, tiniest voice ever. I was beyond excited when they decided to move back to Baytown. They've been back for over a year now. So I've watched her grow up for a while and change and learn. She has definitely grabbed a spot in my heart. I adore her. I still remember tiny two month old Harley and tiny two year old Raylen like yesterday. Today Raylen came home from kindergarden so smart and sure and big, to go be in her very first Christmas parade with her big old three year old cousin Harley. <3 </3 Mixed emotions. I don't want them to grow up, but I'm so excited that I get to be apart of it. I'm  so thankful Jeffrey shares his giant family with me.

I adore Kameron and Taryn with every inch of my being, so one day soon they will each get an entire blog dedicated to them too. For tonight though, just this: They came tonight too. Kameron and Taryn's first time watching the first christmas parade. Taryn slept through  the entire thing. Big brother has made it easy for her to sleep through such noise. Kameron didn't know what to think. He enjoyed himself SOO much! He loves lights. Any kind: lamps, christmas lights, flash lights, you name it. He also loves trucks and cars. So combine the two and he's in heaven. He was really good too. He sat there and watched and clapped and yelled. It was until very near the end did he get restless. I can't blame him though I was a bit restless myself. He looked so cute all bundeled up. He had a beanie with a little fuzzy ball on top. :D

I'm sorry I dragged you along my trip down memory lane. I just feel so blessed to be apart of the two wonderful little girls's lives today. I feel so blessed to have an amazing man share his wonderful life with me. I feel so lucky to know all the people I know, and have them apart of my life. In other news I have an interview tomorrow at village. He already said he'd hire me though so I'm not sure why I'm having an interview.. maybe I'm filling out W2s and what not. "/ I'm excited though. I need to make better decisions and this is a good start. I'm sorry I jumped all around tonight lol I hope you were able to follow it. Until tomorrow, friends.

Jibber Jabber

Saying Jibber Jabber reminds me of jar jar binks. How big of a nerd am I? Anyways... I know you regular readers are about ready to bitch slap me. I do apologize, the past few days have been jam packed, and I've been utterly exhausted. You haven't missed much though. In the past week I've taken two tests at school, and today in class I performed two EKGs. It was fun playing doctor. I've almost got a job. I'm not proud, I mean who would be of village pizza and seafood, right? but I'm so desperate for a job, I'll take what I can get. :) The guy already told me he would hire me, he needs help and I used to work there. I've been three times and every time he hasn't had any applications but just told me to come in saturday for an interview. I guess I'll just be signing paper work and stuff though because he already said. I don't know.. I just hope it goes through I prayed the whole way home from school for help finding a job. So I've kicked ass at school this week, and almost secured a job. Yesterday mom decided Terri and I could use a pick me up and that she would pay for us to get our hair done. We both wanted to get shadow boxes and red mixed in with the blonde. It looks good. :) and I do feel much better. Today all I did was stub the hell out of my pinky toe! It hurts when my sock touches it. ugh if its not one thing its the other. Thats basically all tonight. I promise to go back to writing consistantly. I feel tons better when I do.

I'm so boring, yet you can't help but read about it

What does that say about you? hahah.I can't believe I've put off posting for so long. Sorry about that, I'll really try to get better. Theres not much new to write about other than that I'm finished with 97% of my christmas shopping. I'm beyond relieved to have it overwith. Jeffrey is going to be a very happy little puppy! As well as Jade, I tried to make her present super special. I got her a build-a-bear. So with all my christmas shopping done I bought something for myself. I bought Jackie's computer from her. I looked up reviews and things and heard really good things about it, and for only a hundred dollars I couldn't pass it up. I wanted my own computer again so badly. :) I'm excited she should be shipping it tomorrow. I made an eighty-three on my quiz today. I didn't study so I feel awesome. One other person passed so basically, I own them. I spent a good chunk of today in class filling out applications. I will turn them in tomorrow, so cross your fingers for me. :D Thats all for now, sorry I'm so boring. I am not allowed to tell the juicy things I know yet.

I'm Deranged

Let me start by apologizing for not posting for two days, because as unlikely as this is, People actually read these. I was fighting with Jeffrey, and I know that I made this blog so that I would have a place to vent, but its been two days and its been resolved and I have nothing more to say about it than I hope Jeffrey keeps his word and stands beside me in the future. I love him, and I will find a way to work almost everything out with him, but if he repeatedly lets people talk to me inappropraitly without attempting to interine, it will be the end of our relationship. I would never sit Idly by and let someone talk ugly to him. Now thats all I have to say about that out of respect for our relationship.

I'm definitely not glad that I'm at odds with his sister and cousin right now, but I do like that we are experiencing these kind of set backs now and knowing that we can get through them and we do belong together. No one  can make me as happy, sad, or mad as Jeffrey can. I wouldn't have it any other way. I've never cried so much, swallowed so much pride, bit my tongue so hard, or loved so much. He definitely makes my life so much better. Now to move beyond the mush. :) Yesterday I took Raylen out to see Tangled, just me and her. We had a great time. Its such a cute movie, I highly reccommend it. Also I can not wait until Kameron is old enough for me to do special things with just me and him, and Taryn too.

Today was good. We always eat thanksgiving at 12. I know.. we're crazy, but we have christmas dinner at noon too. My mom always just wants to get it over with. I don't understand why, but I've grown up like that and its the way I prefer it too. Then you clean up and you have the rest of the day to sit around and enjoy eachother. If you're hungry go heat some leftovers up out of the fridge. :) Terri and the babies went to be with Kendall's family, and mom and kirk went to autorama at the george r brown convention center. I took Jeffrey to be with his family and came home. I didn't want to be there. I feel bad about it. I did make sure like seventy times he wasn't upset, he swears he isn't. I just don't have the emotional energy to go and be ignored. It will make me upset and I probably will end up giving dirty looks and making it worse. I guess he knows this. lol. I swear, I really am trying to grow up.

EDIT--- if you don't like horror movies you probably shouldn't read the next part, I don't want to let my fears scare you. lol

So yes, that means I am sitting here alone on thanksgiving. Its kind of sad, but I'm kind of really glad to just be alone. I'm rarely alone, and I'm usually scared out of my mind when I am. I watch a lot of forensic files, e!investigates, and shows about serial killers. So because I know they freak me out I don't shower when I'm home alone. I convinced myself that a bubble bath sounded amazing and that i'd be okay. So I got in, and all I could think about was that movie black christmas that came out a few years ago. Kelsey, Ashley, Chad, Chris and I all went and saw it and I remember it like it was yesterday. "Shes my family now." It really freaked me out when I saw it.

I eventually forgot about it. Its now officially the holiday season though and I was home alone so I was thinking he was going to sneak up behind me and put a trashbag over my head and cut my eyes out with a really sharp candy cane. I know I have problems, but just wait it gets better. So I cancelled the bubble bath and just showered, while looking over my shoulder constantly. I ran from the bathrroom to my room and I kept thinking about BTK, the serial killer. He would sneak into women's houses and hide. He'd watch them do everything until they went to sleep. Then he'd rape and kill them. So I then grabbed a pair of scissors and searched every inch of the house. Hoping that combo, our tiny half chihuahua half maltese, would keep me safe. Luckily no one was here. :) So now I'm sitting on the couch watching spongebob with a pair of scissors. :) So if you ever wondered wtf was going on in my mind... there you go.

Tonight Jeffrey and I are going to go out shoppng at all the black friday sales. Its not that bad because we're not trying to get tvs or computers. So the only sucky part is the check out lines. "/ Its worth it though to get my christmas shopping overwith in one day. Wish me luck. I'm finally getting to listen to my new Taylor Swift CD by the waya. Its AMAZING. If you ever get a chance you should read the prologue on the inserted little packet thing. :) It was beautifully written. I just know that if we ever met- Taylor and I would be BEST friends. lol. I'm done terrorizing you with my thoughts.

My God- Ten year olds can talk.

I was looking for car insurance like I mentioned and someone called me with quotes this morning around eight and it woke me up, naturally I checked my text messages and had one from my friend in class asking why I wasn't in school because we had a quiz today. GREAT! If you miss a quiz you can't make them up. I panicked so we schemed up some lies to avoid that rule. I emailed her and told her that I was sitting in traffic and my car just died, and I could barely get it to the shoulder and that Jeffrey's dad came and towed me home. I'm not proud of lying but I am pleased with myself because I can now make up the quiz.

Don't judge me, It's not like I sat around on my fat butt and did nothing today. I picked Raylen up from school, picked up an application from IHOP like I mentioned last night, and then went to food town to get car insurance. Its not that bad either. I went to the same company that I had last year when I had my wreck, they only charged me ten more dollars than before. For another 13 a month I can be fully covered. I know I should do it, but that would be nearly 150 dollars a month and I feel like thats too much money.


I can't wait to go back to school tomorrow. I hate getting up, but I feel so useless if I don't. I really can't concentrate on this right now, and I need to shower then go to bed early tonight. :)

I'm not gonna lie, this is unpleasant

I've decided that I'm going to not go to school tomorrow and go seek out auto insurance instead. I had a pretty bad day today. Jeffrey's mom begged us to take Raylen and Dominic to the circus today so eventually we agreed to it. She said it started at 7:30 so we waited all day. When it was time to leave we couldn't find our tickets. Once those were found- we could not find my car keys. We looked literally everywhere. We gave up and let Jeffrey's dad take us up to where his mom works so that we could get her car then go pick up Dominic. Turns out Jeffrey's mom had accidentally put my keys in her pocket and she had them with her at work.

Jeffrey's dad was already heading up there because he was going to pick up Shannon from work, so of course Kenny had to go. Raylen was talking about the circus and how she wished Harley could come, and Kenny was like no they beat the shit out of those animals and stuff. I was like stop it I don't like hearing about that. So he felt the need to be a complete and total dick and tell me to stop supporting them if I don't want to hear about it. I know while reading this you probably think I get into a lot of fights, when really I don't. In fact I always say if you're always fighting with someone maybe its you... Really though If I'm wrong here I can't see where.. Kenny and Shannon are such bitches. I honestly wouldn't be sad if they didn't exist anymore. Thats not even where it ends today.

So we went inside her work and were talking to ourselves while she was getting the keys and I told Jeffrey that I wanted to make sure we got a stroller for Dominic. Amber (Jeffrey's mom's CRAZY bitch ass best friend) over heard and said that we were NOT taking her grandson out at night to the circus because it would be too loud and she didn't want him out in the cold, and that we couldn't handle two kids at once. I was very offended. We've taken care of five kids at once by ourselves before. Not to mention the fact that someone invented jackets eons ago... All I said was I don't see why you won't let us take him. We will keep him covered, and we watched three kids alone last night. I think we can handle it, and his mom already said it was okay. She was like no no no! and really rude about it. I was like fine, but if we can't handle him then we're not going to watch him next time you need help. She was all like fine. So I said that includes Jeffrey, she said he would still watch him and I said no he wouldn't and we went back and forth like that for a minute. Then Jeffrey's mom pryed us apart and said to just forget it and for us to go.

Amber being the mature fifty some odd old lady that she is thought it a good idea to yell across her workplace for me to stop being such a bitch. So I told her she was the one being a bitch and that she should try acting her age. Jeffrey's mom was just about shoving us out the door then. So Amber being the pshyco bitch that she is followed us outside and started yelling things so unintelligable I don't even remember them now. Jeffrey then thought it appropriate to tell her to stop talking to me like that and to go away, but she didn't. I told her she was awfully rude to someone who took care of her grandson. She told me that she takes care of him, I said that whenever she wasn't there I was. Then she recalled a mistake I made while watching him for one of the first times. I do feel bad for the mistake I made, but he didn't get hurt, and I had no way of knowing because i don't have kids.. but anyway. My mistake says more about her than me.. She still trusted me with him after that so obviously shes not that concerned about his safety.  Did I mention that poor tiny five year old Raylen was standing right there for all of this. She is so classless and I hate her. I know its not exactly classy to hate anyone or say it out loud at least, but that woman is devil spawn.

Again, I fail to see what I did here. I still stand by the fact that if everyone hates you.. maybe you're doing something wrong, but in this situation too I fail to see what I did. Please if you can see where I'm wrong let me know. With amber, with shannon, with kenny, with pepper I honestly believe I have done nothing wrong. I go out of my way to help people almost constantly. I can  think of at least three things I do for someone else on a daily basis. Today I cleaned Jeffrey's room, did laundry so Jeffrey's mom wouldn't have to when she gets home from work, and I brought Raylen to the circus. See? Fuck them.

Thats not the end of it either. We got to the circus and found out there was no 7:30 show. There were no more shows at all. Poor Raylen :( So we bought some tickets and let her ride the camel, and the ponies and slide down the giant inflatable slide. She even got to pick out a rainbow sword. I promised we would take her to the circus twice next year so that she wouldn't cry, and we let her pick where we were going for dinner. She picked IHOP. It was really good. I love the crispy chicken salad. When we were leaving I asked for an application and made small talk with the guy that was our waiter. He told me he went to high school with me and graduated in 2009, and that he hung out with Pepper all the time. I was like great... lol. Really though anyone who knows her knows how touchy she is so I guess he got it when I told him that she was mad at me right now. He said they had to print up some more applications and that I should come back tomorrow and I could use his name on the application. Hopefully that will get me the job! I soo need a job right now. I'm sorry this post was mostly dialogue and bitching. It probably wasn't my best literary masterpiece, I hope you forgive me and continue to read my future posts. :)

Where's Waldo?

I woke up at about three o' clock today. I know I know, but you see I didn't go to bed until six this last morning and I had to take two sleeping pills to get there. I then had a weird dream that I had lost all of my teeth, which is funny because on the radio the other morning they said that is one of the most common dreams people have and I was like thats stupid I've never dreamt that. Jeffrey said he does all the time. lol. Other than that I tried to get car insurance but everywhere was already closed. Boo! Tomorrow is sunday so I can't tomorrow either. Jeffrey changed my oil today. Him and his daddy, it made me happy. I like when he does things like that and when I do things around the house at the same time. While he was outside fiddling with my car I was doing laundry and the dishes. After that we went to watch Kameron and Taryn so Terri and Kendall came out. I didn't want to leave the babies there when they got home because they were fighting. :( It made me sad for them. I never want anyone to not want to leave me with my kids. Anyways thats all I have for today. Tomorrow Jeffrey and I are supposed to take Raylen and Dominic to the circus so we'll see if we actually get to go. Until then.

P.S. I hate wheres waldo!

Happy

Today was good. Jeffrey and I took Raylen to her dance class and then dropped her off at home so we could go see Harry Potter with my mom and Kirk. It was AMAZING! I started reading Harry Potter when I was in fourth grade! Then the movies came out when I was eleven. Mom and Kirk and I went to every one together. So naturally Jeffrey and I went with them. I bought mom and Kirk's tickets and wouldn't let them pay me back. My mom was really pleased with that, and it made me really happy too. It was neat that we started seeing the movies when I was eleven and they were taking me, and now we went and saw it while I was twenty and I took them.

When we got home I gave Raylen a bath, and then we made hot chocolate and watched Pocahontas with her. I'm so glad we are making memories like that with her. I bet Jeffrey and I are her favorite. :) In other news, when I got out of the movies I had a text on my phone from my friend who I thought I lost. He was apologizing. As I type we are IMing trying to work it out. I really hope we find some common ground because I really want him to be in my life, but I'm not willing to blur my lines. Jeffrey deserves more than that.

Speaking of, how great is he?! I mean really he does everything for me, and we share everything. We spend almost every waking moment together. That would drive most people crazy, but really I couldn't see it any other way. We are so apart of each other. I don't know what I would do if not for him. He makes me so much better than I am. I'm so happy that we have found each other so young. I feel beyond lucky. My sister is married to her jr high and high school sweetheart, and isn't nearly as lucky as I am. Jeffrey is so selfless and compassionate and sweet and sensitive, and frustrating, and annoying, and smart, and funny, and the best person I've ever known. I can't wait to call him my husband.

I think I'm turning Japanese.

I couldn't sleep last night, and didn't- at all. I need to stop doing that, for real. So I made Jeffrey drive me to school so I wouldn't crash, lol. We decided neither of us should stay awake so I called my teacher and arranged to take my quiz first thing so I could leave. I think I did pretty amazing, I hope so since it was my first quiz this mod. After that I came home and went to bed. Then I woke up and went to pay for my sisters wedding ring in the pawn shop so that she wouldn't loose it. Sigh.. Thats pretty much all I did except for going to wal mart to buy a new book. They didn't have much of a selection, Baytown really needs to get a book store. I eventually decided on the lovely bones. I really wanted to see that movie when it came out but I still haven't gotten around to it. The books are usually better anyways. I haven't started it yet though. I'll let you know how it is when I do.

While searching, I came across one of my all time favorite books, The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks. Probably the most romantic thing I've ever read. I definitely recommend that book, it will put anything you or your significant other do for each other to shame forever. Jeffrey is going to read it. :) I will make him. I know that he'll love it though. I read Dear John back in high school before it got popular.. and LOVED it, I made Jeffrey read that too. That book.. that book changed the way I loved, no lie. I love that about books.. They take you places, show you how other people think, and if you're lucky you take something away from the really good ones. 

Last night I mentioned that me and my friend got into a fight and he made a great exit, I was hoping we would make up and still be friends. I tried to call him and talk things over, but he wasn't interested. I'll admit I was a little rude, so I can see why he is upset with me, but really he tried crossing a line. I'm engaged to Jeffrey therefore some topics are inappropriate and I don't want to talk about them with another guy, its wrong. I'm sorry that I responded so.. loudly? but it wasn't okay. My feelings are really hurt because minus this one infarction, yes I meant to say infarction its a word- look it up, I really want this person in my life. 

Although today brought back someone else from my past, almost like a trade off. The other friend I mentioned talking to again called earlier out of the blue. It was a wonderful, I guess she missed me too. Janey and I are okay again I guess. I don't know how far that statement spans or if it will last, but I hope so. I miss having girlfriends. I mean, I have girlfriends, but no one I can really talk to. Janey was someone I could always call up and bitch to. So today was pretty good. Or at least I've had worse. When I went to pay for Terri's ring I went to the ATM, I was dreading seeing my balance, but I must say I was very proud. My money will last for a while longer and I'm still looking for a job, so I should be okay. :) 

Now finally, to address the title of this here blog. I think I'm turning japanese. look:

See?  hahah.

Puppy Lovin'

Today was so long. I did NOT want to get up for school. Five fifteen comes really early. Its absolutely CRAZY that I have to be up that early because my classes don't start until eight. I know WTF? jenny! I have to leave the house at six thirty to make it to school by eight. I travel to richmond avenue everyday, and back. EXHAUSTING. Well, sometimes. I actually kind of like the drive most days. It gives me a chance to think. :) A chance to let loose and sing as loud as I want too. I also like that I get experience with downtown houston. My mom is forty-five and she still won't drive houston. LAME. Baytown sucks, I've always said how I absolutely do NOT want to raise a family here one day. I still don't, but knowing how much Houston has to offer right up the road kind of makes it seem not so bad. I'm talking about all the driving because today I finally went to the DPS and got another liscence finally, and it took forever! Of course it doesn't help that I'm the most impatient person in the world, Jeffrey is always telling me that.

My old friend I mentioned that was back in my life made a grand exit today. "/ I'm sad because I really enjoyed having that person in my life. It made me happy and feel like I could be somewhat like the old me. Do you know what I mean? Well it turns out that this person hasn't changed much, and I remembered they weren't in my life anymore for a reason. I know its for the best because no friendship or relationship is worth getting in the way of Jeffrey and I. Thats what said person was attempting. No go. I know it might be... wrong? but Jeffrey and I chose eachother. We both said forever and marriage vows say forsaking all others. I know we haven't taken them yet, but we plan to so same thing right? Anyways.. forsaking all others is my favorite line. It speaks to me. I don't care if its my best friend, cousin, sister, or mother, Jeffrey comes first. Don't dare try to put yourself inbetween us. I'm not a cold hearted bitch, of course it would take more from my mom or sister or something for me to be like, screw off, I pick jeffrey.

I'm so glad that I pryed myself out of bed this morning. I really do enjoy these classes this mod. I'm such a nerd, I know this. Also, Jeffrey and I watched dominic again today. In fact we still are, baby butt is sitting in my lap as I type. I knew since we first started watching him almost a year ago, that together someday we will make great parents. Today though, it became evident to me how well it will work out. We have already assumed roles and work well together. I bathe the kids we care for, I change most of the diapers- Jeffrey does change them if I ask him to, or he gets to it first. I put their clothes on them, except for the socks. I'm bad at the socks and shoes, Jeffrey does that. Jeffrey secures carseats and gets them in and out of the car. He usually feeds them, I mostly lay them down for bed. He sometimes does this, it depends on the kid and if they are whining lol. We just work so well together. If by some twisted turn of fate we ended up pregnant right now, I don't think I'd be upset, minus the money thing. lol but who can ever say they aren't worried about the money to raise a baby. Again, don't read too much into this, I am not saying that I want to have babies right now. Those are all my tiny thoughts tonight. I hope you enjoyed them. :)

As if.

Thats right, I so just went alicia silverstone circa clueless on your ass. Anyways, I was so tired yesterday so I went to bed early and got an actual eight hours of sleep! I still didn't want to wake up this morning though. I really don't want to stress out my hours this mod though so I got out of bed. I was so glad I went to class today, I learned a lot and I loved the material. I like the way Dr. Jordan teaches, its the exact  structure I need for the way I learn. On a semi related note, I'm so ready to be done being sick.

I feel like I got a lot done today, even though I really didn't. I went to school, played with tiny dommy for a little while, resisted the STRONG urge to nap, bought Jeffrey's christmas, and narrowed down the options for his mommy's christmas. I can't divulge details there because Jeffrey sometimes reads this. I've decided to be a total grinch this year and only buy presents for people that I like. Family or not, I don't give a flying.. :) it's my money and you don't get any! That includes your children too... maybe. I'm just being a bitch right now, so don't hold me to this.

I haven't had much anything to say for a few days and I feel like I might be letting y'all down. I know I'm such a bore, hopefully something interested will happen to me tomorrow. Riiiight.

Oh, Boring day.

I went back to school today. I knew I missed it, but WOW! I don't feel useless anymore. :D It felt awful wasting my days away doing nothing. I started my fourth mod today, which means I only have seven more! Actually, six and an externship! This mod I'm taking Cardiopulminary diagnostic procedures... or the EKG lab, and the anatomy class that goes with it. I have the same teacher for both classes, and I really like her! She does make a lot of eye contact though, and it makes me a little uncomfortable. Anyways, point is, I LOVE my classes and I'm so excited to be back at school. We found out that we don't get but one day off for thanksgiving break! I also only get one week off for christmas/new years! I would be angry if it wasn't for the fact that I will graduate in July!

I didn't get much sleep last night. I was up all night fighting with my friend, but I felt okay in the morning when I took some medicine. Right before lunch it started wearing off or something and I felt like shit. So I called Jeffrey and he headed up there early. I only left an hour early because the drive was so long it took that long for Jeffrey to get there! Also my phone got cut off today because I forgot to pay the bill yesterday. Its back on now though so we're golden. My friend and I made up too, so other than the fact that I feel like crap I had a pretty good day. I napped all day but I'm EXHAUSTED so I'm about to go to bed. :)

Laters on the menjay! (hahah  I love you, man!)

This is probably going to be a waste of your time.

Stupid achey, tired body. If anything I've gotten worse. I hate being sick especially when I'm not at home. I did take out a lot of my frustration on halo though. I find that usually helps, and I've been getting better at it too. :) Nerrrrd, yes you can say it. I guess its time I should start thinking about christmas shopping. I want to get my mom something special but I need to keep it cheap. Any ideas? I have a general idea for what I'm going to get Jeffrey. I can't write it here though since he sometimes reads these posts. I really screwed myself overt two christmases ago by giving him the BEST PRESENT EVER!! I had bought one of those calendars that you pull the sheet off for each day, and I decorated each page with a reason why I loved him. Feel free to reuse that if you want. :) After I buy for my mom and Jeffrey all I have left is kirk, terri, kendall, kameron, taryn, raylen, harley, jade, and jeffrey's parents. I'm not going to spend money on everyone this year especially if they're mad at me. At this point I am not going to his family's thanksgiving, or christmas because they do it at his cousin's' parents house, the one that is mad at me. I don't want to go deal with it. I don't want to go camping with them either in march. She'll be there and I don't want to deal with her, or her bitchy looks. On the other hand though I kind of want to be at all of those things because it probably pisses her off that I'm there and she can't do anything about it. :D oh.. I mean, Jeffrey would be happy if I could put my feelings aside and spend the holidays with him and his family. I'm messed up. God I have issues. lol. Nothing really happened today, so hopefully if you plan on coming back tomorrow, I'll have a jucier update.

Everyone's got a sob story, here's mine.

My throat hurts, which is about right. I do go back to school monday so it only makes since that I would get sick. I feel like crap too. Emotionally, physically, mentally, you name it. I'm stuck in a weird spot. I don't know whats wrong or why I'm upset, which happens sometimes, I'm a girl- It's my prerogative. Today Iits affecting my relationship. I've been kind of distant which I guess is pushing Jeffrey away.. He's being passive aggressive, which is pissing me off. I don't even know why we have a problem or if we're fighting, but I just feel so resentful today. I also feel really bad putting this out for everyone to read because it's nobody's damn business. Thats the point of this blog though right? A place to vent? I hope so because it doesn't feel right saying this to anyone. I'm so angry and hurt today. I Feel so resentful. I resent my mom, I resent my sister, I resent Jeffrey. Nothing happened, it's just all hitting me today. I resent my mom because I know she loves me, but she doesn't help me like I need, she's too busy taking care of Terri and her kids. I'm grateful for that anyother day, but today... I'm just a spiteful, angry, raging bitch. I resent Terri for this too. I'm 20, she is about to turn 26. My mom is so busy helping her, I hardly exist. I need guidance, I need some help sometimes. I'm scared, its a big scary world, and if you don't want me to need you like Terri does when I have a family, maybe you should steer me in the right direction now, don't you think? I resent Jeffrey because he doesn't understand. I'm always stressed out, I'm always worried, and he doesn't understand- he's never been there. He never will, his mom does everything she can to make sure he doesn't have to feel stressed out or worried or alone. I don't really resent him for that, so I'm more jealous of him in that way. I worded that wrong. "/ I'm so full of pessimism today. I hate everyone.

Life goes on

So my plans for today were to go apply to some nasty little fast food joint I used to work at in high school because its my only chance at a job. The only experience I have. I then realized it was veterans day and they would probably not be open so I'm going tomorrow. After that Jeffrey and I just hung out around the house and his cousin pepper came over. Remember I said I drunkenly apologized to her? I don't remember what I said or what she said or if things are okay now.. She hasn't talked to me so I guess she's still upset with me. Not upset with Jeffrey though even though he verbally bitch slapped her for me when she was ugly to me :)

So I don't know what that means. I'm emotional, I know this, and I know that I have my own set of rules for our relationship. Poor Jeffrey, he doesn't know which way is up when it comes to not hurting my feelings.. but I digress, thats totally different post right there, lol. The way I see it is, I love Jeffrey and if anyone, my family or not, hurt his feelings, I wouldn't want anything to do with them until they apologized. Its beyond me how he doesn't feel the same way, but he doesn't. Pepper said something to him and he talked back. Naturally the emotional being that I am, I went into an emotional downward spiral. Silently of course, I've gotten amazing at not causing a scene. In-laws, and respect for your fiance will do that for you. Oh.. and growing up of course, lol. I'm over it now though, who cares? I don't want to waste my time thinking about someone so unessential to my life. Is that a healthy thought?

My school called today. I get to go back monday like nothing even happened. Mrs. Garza told me that I can make up the time I missed and still graduate on time. I'm signed up to take the EKG class, and Anatomy & Physiology this mod. Thats going to be really hard, so I will start making things up next mod. I'm excited. But I do need to get things straight before I start going to downtown every day. I need to get another driver's lisence and I need to find some car insurance! I know I know.. don't preach at me. :)

After that, my mom called to tell me my sister's cousin, Mike had died last night. He isn't my cousin, my sister and I have different dads. Terri and Kendall's phones won't be on until tomorrow, so her dad couldn't call to tell her and posted R.I.P. on facebook, my mom saw and sought out after details. Terri and Mike were very close growing up. So I went to her house so she could call her dad. Jeffrey didn't want to come with me, because he doesn't know how to handle these conversations. I was beyond hurt that he couldn't just be there for my sister like i'm always there for his family. So I went alone feeling negative and down trodden. She knew something was wrong when I got there. I just told her that her dad was trying to get a hold of her and that it was important. While she called I took care of the kids. Let me just tell you, When her face crumpled, my heart did. I never realized how much I would give to keep her from hurting. I love my sister so much. After all this, I saw that she really just needed me, and I was grateful Jeffrey foresaw that, and gave us our time together. I love him!

She was broken hearted and angry, and I was at a loss for words. How someone so young can take their life on purpose and leave three kids and a wife behind is beyond me. It hurt the most that Terri could understand his reasons. Shes both been there, felt that before. We were sitting there and she was crying and I was holding baby Taryn, and Kameron was still so happy and oblivious just playing like making us laugh was the single most important thing in the world. I was so happy in that moment to realize that while I could understand his feelings, not his reasons, and knowing that so many people right now felt that way, that life goes on. Kameron has been such a blessing and a suture that holds our family together. I wish life was as easy as Kameron thinks, that every tear is forgotten as soon as you laugh, and it breaks my heart to know that one day he'll realize thats not so. That one day his spirit will break too, one day he'll cry for other reasons than i'm hungry, i'm hurt, or i miss you. I love him. Today was a shit ass day for all of this, but it reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

and the greatest things I've learned of life is this: it goes on.

Whats got my panties in a bunch, you ask?

I didn't post yesterday because I was with Dominic. Oh tiny Dominic! Jeffrey and I played with him in his room with all his toys and things. People playing with him must be rare because he didn't know what to think! He was yelling and running and laughing and having the time of his tiny little life. I hope he remembers us and the times we had when he gets big. I say this because I have an awful premonition that he won't be in our lives forever. That makes me sad. I'm trying to convince Jeffrey to make Dominic a tiny groomsmen in our wedding, but he doesn't want to because he probably won't be apart of our lives forever.

Today Jeffrey and I took Terri, Taryn, and Kameron to see the doctor. Kameron was a tiny hellian once again. I  hope his.... brattiness, for lack of a better word, is just a phase. I hate to say that, but lately he's been so bad! I think its just since now there is a tiny baby around 100% of the time taking up 50% of his attention. I hope thats it and that it will get better soon. After the doctor we went to wal mart so that Terri could grocery shop while we waited for taryn's prescription. I got some things too: grapes, oranges, a pineapple, and some crystal lite drink mixes. I want to start eating/drinking better to help loose some weight. I'll start with my snacks, I'll make them healthy i.e the fruit. I'm drinking what I'm going to try to make my last soda right now. So then we load the car in the pouring rain, and get a call from Jeffrey's mom that raylen was at the house with no one to watch her so she had to call Jeffrey's dad home from work to take care of her! When we're pulling out, my passenger side mirror just falls off! WTF?! Right? Someone obviously hit it like with a cart or something and stuck it back on, cause its still attatched, just hanging.  Who does that?

Whats even better is that I found out a new one costs about a hundred and twenty five dollars. Luckily I might be able to find an old one for about fifty. Markably better, but I shouldn't even have to replace it. So thats whats got my panties in a bunch for now. Now I'm off to spend some time with my puppy. :)