Holy shnikes!

I'd like to start out by saying, how the hell do you (my peers) guys do this all the time?! I never want to see another beer... well until I forget about this horrific experience lol. I'm still feeling sick, but Last night was fun. Jeffrey and I drank with his brother and sister in law. If for no other reason last night was good because alcohol is the ultimate peace maker. I got the notion in me to apologize to pepper. I'm not sure why though because I didn't do anything wrong. So I guess apologize isn't the right word. Talked it out is better. I don't remember what I said though. I don't remember the last half of the night though actually.

Being the bigger person is hard. Especially since I am so emotional. I miss when I didn't have to be so diplomatic and responsible and shit. I just want to be carefree and young like I used to be. Since when does twenty mean you aren't allowed to make mistakes? Okay I realize thats a little mellow dramatic and no one actually said that, but really I feel like that. Thats probably just because I am so emotionally aware. I've been at emotional rock bottom before, Thank you highschool, and I know how bad it sucks I don't want to be the reason for anyone to feel that bad, so when I screw up, I usually take it pretty hard.

Babble Babble

Last night Jeffrey and I stayed up all night so we wouldn't have to wake up early for the annual compliance meeting. Not our best idea. After the meeting and a quick nap we took Raylen to a birthday party at prince's roller rink. She had a blast and we very much enjoyed all the kids busting their faces. hahah- I know, we're terrible. I then decided we should go on a date. We went to outback and then through a huge ordeal involving two different theaters and about 20 minutes waiting in line. Finally we saw Due Date. H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. that is all. 

My feelings were good all day, thank god. Its so rare a day where I'm not upset for at least some part of the day. I love dating my fiance. Everytime we're together I remember why I chose him. I hope that I always will. I want so badly for us to already be married and living together.. ALONE. I've started talking to an old friend the past few days again. Not the friend I mentioned forgiving, a different friend. Reconnecting with old friends makes me happy. Its like reconnecting with an old lost version of myself. I love getting to do that, because theres a lot I miss about old me. The way I had no worries, and no stress, and could brighten anyone's day because I could always find the bright side of things. That was before i'd ever had to worry about how I was going to pay this bill, or where i would find money for something simple like shampoo or food. Growing up sucks, and ignorance is bliss. I hope my children listen when I tell them those are their glory days.

Bitchlist

So I didn't post yesterday because I was hanging out with our tiny man, Dominic. I love that little boy. I hope my kids are as well behaved as him. I really didn't think I thought about kids that much. I really don't feel like I do. I guess since half of the people I deal with daily are tiny my thoughts revolvev around them. Nothing has really been going on for the last two days. I brought Terri, Taryn, and Kameron home today. Thank goodness, they needed their own space. For being so tiny, babies take up lots of space. So. Much. Stuff!!

Tomorrow I have to get up super early to go to Primerica's annual compliance crap. Its so boring. I'm tired of Primerica. It's not primerica's fault though. It's jeffrey's I wish he would go to work. I'm so excited I'm going to make appointments this week to start touring venues for our wedding next weekend. We finally nailed down all the basics since we got our book. Like I said, excited about planning the wedding but if jeffrey doesn't start bringing in some money my head is going to explode from all the stress. I'm looking for a job so hard that I have begun applying to fast food. Pathetic I know. Alas, I need a job and I have no experience so I can not get hired. Thats all I have for today though, until tomorrow..

Sorry If my random thoughts give you verbal whiplash.

I was so right last night to say I want to wait for kids. Its probably just that I didn't have ANY sleep. Yep, I've been up for 24 hours. Whats the point of that? Oh well, I'm young- I bounce back quick.. What was i talking about? Oh yeah- right to want to wait because Kameron has been a hellian all morning! I'm talking yelling at the top of his lungs!! What the heck little man, what is sooo bad in your life? Squishy has been a delight though. Thats what terri and I have decided to call taryn. I love her.

I really really need a job. If anyone can help me out it would be very much appreciated. Also, I miss school.
Mom is out getting her hair done right now. I wish  I were getting my hair done. I wish I were doing anything that would make me feel beautiful. I've gained so much weight that i'm not strong enough to loose, and ever since I've just felt worse and worse about myself. I need to buy some more clothes. Its not like i'm those nasty fat girls who walk around in clothes three sizes too small, but buying some new bigger (gulp!) clothes that were flattering to my new body type might help.

I really wish I had some motivation to work out, or someone would forcefully steer me into better eating habits. Or preferably a magic pill that would  take the weight away. A no-more-fat fairy if you will? No? okay... Well until then suggestions are welcome. I realize the contents of this blog shifted in flight, but thats what you get when i'm running on no sleep with a two year old SCREAMING (literally) in my ear. Maybe I'll pull myself together for a decent post tonight that isn't so scatterbrained. I might just pass out at 7 or 8 o'clock. Who knows?

Babies and Weddings oh my!!

Today was SOO long. Mom woke me up this morning telling me she was going to pick Terri and the babies up because their water is off for the next few days. So we are a full house over here. Not that I mind, but I really wish that Terri and Kendall would get it together soon. To be fair though since miss taryn arrived they seem to be trying a lot harder. By they I mean Kendall. Terri is always trying. I hate seeing my sister struggle financially, it hurts and I worry for her and the babies.

On a positive note though it makes me really want to wait to have kids. Jeffrey and I babysat dominic today. I love spending time with that little booger. We watched him at his house. Apartment really. They stay at The Lynn, in a 3 bedroom apartment/palace. No, really its SOO nice. His nursery is extrememly nice too. Not that kameron's wasn't and taryn's isn't, but there is an obvious difference. Dominic has the best of everything, and it all matches lol. Matching and one consistant theme always have a nicer effect. I want to give my kids everything he has. So the point of all the baby talk is that I can't wait for that time of my life to come, but I am also very aware that that time is nowhere near now.

About a week and a half ago I ordered The ultimate wedding guide book from the knot. It comes with a planning timeline, worksheets, checklists, tips, FAQs, and lots of helpful things. It finally came in today, and I'm super excited!! Jeffrey and I got engaged on may 14th so we've been engaged for five months. We were waiting until our 3 year anniversary (which was october19th) to start planning so that it would be an even year of planning. So the day after we made plans to go visit two venues that we have had our eyes on for quite some time. Ashton Gardens, which was our favorite out of all the ones we have found, and the cheapest, closest option Oakland on Burnet Bay, Jeffrey was convinced that finding a venue was not the first thing to do, so we cancelled the appointments. I was heartbroken, but now we have the book and we get to do things in order and the right way!

I thought a lot about our future today.. Jeffrey is the best, most wonderful man I have ever known. I have no fear, doubt or worry about being with him everyday for the rest of my life. I'm pretty sure carrie underwood's new song, mama's song was written about us. He makes me better, and he is my bestfriend, he is my happy and he is my sad. He is everything i'm not and we are perfect for eachother. I have never felt so complete. I can't wait for the future.

Whats been bugging me lately.

You're lucky you can read this. No, really. I made the link on facebook hidden from family (including jeffrey's.)I have some feelings that i am not ready to share with them. So I gues its best not to even let them know I'm... feeling anything? Well you know what I mean.

Feelings are kind of a big deal to me. They are very personal and if I choose to share mine with you, you had better respect them. Unfortunately some people aren't like that. It is beyond me how people can ignore their emotions- ever, in any way. I had  an experience like this recently.

I wanted to talk with jeffrey's mother, my mother in law to be, about the way she was making me feel lately. Before I go on, let me just say, she and I get along beautifully. We both go out of our way to do things for eachother on a constant basis. I really feel like shes  already my mother (in law of course.) She takes care of me. Our talk turned into a disagreement and it ended very emotionaly. Thank God we've made up. It was so exhaustig being so upset for the three.. four? days we weren't talking.

Out of that situation Jeffrey's oldest sister is mad at me because she believe I was ugly to their mom. I wasn't, she wasn't, and jeffrey was there as a witness. Her being mad at me doesn't bother me so much because really who cares what a 33 year old living at home with her husband and two kids thinks? Not me. My life is far more together than hers. I'm sorry I know thats ugly. And I really don't even mean it.. much. The thing is it does bother me. Shannon and I were super close. Although even before this happened she was acting upset with me for some reason I don't understand. I hope we make up soon. I miss my other family, and jeffrey's house feels like enemy territory now. I know in time this will go away though.

What won't go away is jeffrey's cousin, Pepper. She's mad at me for the same reason. I was "fighting" with jeffrey's mom. I wasn't though. Really though, even if I was, as long as I wasn't disrespectful, or downright ugly who cares? It was no one's business but Jeffrey's, mine, and Lisa's. No one even knew what happened or what we were talking about. Pepper likes to hold grudges. Really long, relentless grudges. She doesn't let up, she doesn't forget, and she sure as hell doesn't forgive. She told jeffrey she was "done" with me, and that we could no longer be friends ever again. I hate when people are mad at me. Especially pepper because she has a way of making you feel extremely unwelcome, and she'll be at every family event. It's fine though it wasn't much of a friendship she talked, I listend. CONSTANTLY.

I had read a lot of Andy Andrews books a while back and learned a secret to success is forgiveness. He said forgiveness is not a gift to be given.No one you are mad at is sitting around worrying "omg! when will ___ forgive me?" they go on with their lives. Meanwhile you spend all kinds of time and energy holding onto anger that isn't hurting them, it's hurting you. So wheter or not she forgives me, I don't care her forgiveness doesn't make or break who I am.

Speaking of forgiveness, about six months ago I quit talking to a friend who I really really really really  started to miss. I'm considering making things right with her. I haven't decided yet though. When she exited my life, she said a lot of hurtful things to me about me and everyone in my life. I guess for that reason I'll sit on this idea until i've weighed all the options, and i'll let time tell.  I have so much more to say but I'll end here for now. Toodles!

Lets try this out.

My cousin Krissy has a blog that she posts in everynight. Its made me laugh, made me cry, and made me love her in a way I never expected when I began reading it. I like that even though we aren't close like we were when we were kids I can see into her mind. I feel like I know her again. I know that everyday she feels so much better when she can spit all of her thoughts out into her blog. I want that. A place to vent, someone to talk to who won't talk back. I need that. I'm an amazing listener. I also love to talk, but I feel like no one really lets me. Not including my amazing fiance jeffrey. Of course he listens to me. He damn well better. But you know boys- if you get too emotioal too often they can't handle it. Me, I'm an emotional kind of girl. Fair warning reader(s): This post and every post hereafter has the potential to be extremely, irrationally emotional. Anyways point is: Krissy's blog started the same way- for her. Therapy. But with who she is she's managed to help people. I love that too, but don't expect that here. I can't even help myself. I don't want to make this too long and discourage you from reading what I have to say, so i'll actually write about what made me feel the need to start venting tomorrow. ooh.. cliff hanger!

P.S, check out Krissy's blog! Scrambled Eggs