Beautiful Nail

I didn't post last night because I couldn't move. Jeffrey and I have had some suspicions that I'm lactose intolerant for a while now. They were confirmed yesterday. At like 1 AM I drank a LARGE chocolate milkshake and immediately felt like crap. I was vomiting and doing something else in the bathroom all day. Needless to say I didn't go to work. My tummy still hurts some so I didn't go tonight either. I feel bad about that, but I go back tomorrow for the 11-5 shift. Ugh I wish ANYONE would call me back for another interview somewhere else. I spent today doing homework for my online class. Now I just have one last thing to do for this unit. Its suprisingly easy but a lot of work. Oh well, the extra time I spend working on homework was what I would have spent driving to school. I don't know if thats a fair comparrison but whatev. So far I'm happy with my choice to switch. I'd like to just mention that right now pandora is playing hilary duff for me. I approve very much. I miss lizzie mcguire. Man TV was so good when we were little. What the heck happened? Anyways back on track, so other than homework today I went and got my eyebrows done. FINALLY. They were god awful. I couldn't go to my usual and favorite nail salon because of them trying to arrest me back in october. Long story. Anyways so I just went to the next closest one. It was in the little shopping center with the drive thru subway next to the brand new taco bell. Its called a&c nails. It wasn't nasty, it just wasn't nice. Does that make sense? It was packed full too, which didn't make sense to me. So they tell me to go in the little waxing room. I do, and the only male working there comes in and tells me to lay down. Normally it wouldn't bother me. I've had plenty of guys do my nails, hair and eyebrows even make-up before. Hes about as big around as Jeffrey's ten year old niece jade, with glasses the size of her head. Really. Still this wouldn't bother me either usually. What bothered me was the way he was weezing over my face as he took 20 minutes to wax my eyebrows. Its never taken anyone that long. It was weird and uncomfortable. Speaking of Nail salons I'd like to share this HILARIOUS video with you guys. :D See you babies tomorrow.

Look who's a grumpy bunny tonight

I'm not in a good mood. I had an awfully busy day at work, and had to deal with mean coworkers. I'm serious, this old hag is so rude. I'm so close to reporting her. Last time a complained about a coworker to Greg I haven't been scheduled to work with that guy anymore. She always talks about sex and cusses worse than a sailor, I really hate sounding like a prude but its inappropriate and unladylike. It might be different if she wasn't screaming to word anaconda across the whole restaurant. Let alone while I'm on the headset with a customer. It might not even bother me so much if she wasn't so dang rude ALL THE TIME. To top it off, tonight I only made $11.40 in tips. One silver lining is that I found $20 in my apron I forgot that I had. I LOVE when that happens. So now I'm off to do stuff with my online class. Hope I have more interesting things to say tomorrow, for all of your sakes!

Black young and famous, money hanging out the anus.

BEST LYRIC EVER.   Anyway, I figured I'd start this blog out happy since today was so sad for me. Today is my dad's fifty-first birthday and he wasn't here to celebrate it with me. In fact four days after his birthday marks the anniversary of his death. On January 31st, it will be fifteen years passed. I can't believe that. Honestly- I can not wrap my head around it. Or more importantly my heart. My poor daddy was just thirty-six and four days when he went to heaven way too young. The way the anniversaries are so close together makes you really realize the unexpected way that life goes. Who ever thinks, "Awesome, its my birthday! Now let me live my last four days up." ? No one. So this year Jeffrey drove Terri, the babies and me out to his grave. Kameron colored a dinosaur picture for him and we each wrote a note on it for him. Then we sang happy birthday to him and left. There really wasn't much more to be done there. I would really rather think of him not as a grave. Granted I don't have much to go on. I was barely five when he had to go. So I'd rather be at home and think of my few memories, and comfort myself with how much everyone says I am like him. It hurts my feelings that I don't know him or really what he was like, and everyone else does. I mean, I'm a part of him- I should know. I miss him all through out the year but from his birthday until around febuary 2nd (the day of his funeral) is a pretty sad time. We've gotten better at dealing with it. I was feeling like we didn't do enough for his birthday so Jeffrey took me to wal mart and we got some cupcakes to celebrate. I know thats kind of silly. Maybe a little creepy or weird? But it made me feel better. I always hear that he was the best man. He was kind and giving and selfless, and when I'm at my best that I'm like him. That makes me really happy. I think I'd be happy to be like him even if he wasn't great because he's a whole half of me that I've been missing almost my whole life. The things I do know about him I hold on to, I guess thats all I can do. I don't want to make anyone sad with me so I guess I'll just talk about non daddy stuff now. We went to my school today and my online class starts tomorrow, they made it really easy to switch over. My school is so flexible and understanding and helpful. I love them. Also another giant piece of news is that when we went to wal mart for the cupcakes, I also got a straightner. My chi broke about two and a half weeks ago and I've been walking around looking like a wildebeest. Thats how you spell it I checked google. I stood there comparing for quite a long time and found what looked like a really great one for just 25 dollars. IT WORKS AMAZING!! My hair is beautiful and soft and STRAIGHT!! I'm excited. There is one more thing I forgot to mention when I was talking about daddy, we drove by the last house we lived in with him. and talked about our memories. SO MANY GOOD MEMORIES. And the really awful one where the paramedics came in and tried to save him. :( But mostly good memories. It was weird how I still remember that house as huge and beautiful and full of him, we saw it and it was tiny and weathered with age and so without him. It makes my memories a little sad. I took some pictures though in case its not there one day. I'll leave you to look at those yourself and I'll talk to you kids tomorrow.

Rip daddy- Happy birthday

This is a paper I wrote a long while back about what happened. 

 I laugh, I smile, and I get into trouble. But no one knows that many of my laughs are empty. Many of my smiles are not happy, and the trouble I get into is not unfounded. No one knows. I don't pretend to look for sympathy. I have long since come to terms with what happened, but I will also not pretend that it didn't affect me. It took something from me, something dear, something completely and totally irreplaceable, and something to which I have never yet been able to assign a name.

When my father left, it crushed me. For the longest time, I couldn't understand why. I was at the age where everything had to do with me, just barely five years old. I'm not sure if I ever blamed myself, but I am sure that since he's been gone, everything is just a little less bright. Nothing is as clear or as perfect as it should be. My outlook on life is damaged. Like a hairline crack on a mirror, the realization of the fact that my father is no longer here will always be here, not always in the foreground, but always there, taking away from the beauty of the picture, subtracting from the power of every moment. It's not something I think about often, but it never fully goes away.

That day still resides in my thoughts, making me painfully aware it wasn't a dream. So young, so unacquainted with chaos, I had no idea what was going on around me. Had I known that would be my last chance to be with my father, surely I would have given it the respect it deserved, but I did not. That day was the birth of the rest of my life. I say a birth carefully; we did not just move on, my mother, sister, and me. We struggle to move on, to live again.

I was taking my afternoon nap, like I did everyday. My mother came in crying and shaking me, asking me to get up. My dad was lying on the couch screaming, with nothing but the white of his eyes showing. I was too young to know what was going on and too scared to care. Mom was making phone calls. What seemed like minutes later, paramedics came in, ushering us out of the house. I went back inside to get my glasses and saw as the men were sitting on him, trying to control his flailing of his limbs. I was aghast, terrified, even as they loaded him into the ambulance and shut the doors. That was the last time I saw him alive.

Years have passed now and we have settled into a new life, missing something, but making up for it. Sometimes I wonder how my mother can even look at me, a constant reminder of the love she used to know. Sometimes, anger floods over me when I think of how I never celebrate Father's Day or have any one to chase boys off, someone to fight with when my shirt is too short, or to one day walk me down the aisle.

My father not being here is definitely a plight; I cannot cheapen it by calling it anything less than this. The situation has taken so much normalcy from my life, but in other ways, it has made me stronger, better, a little more grown, and wiser. His absence has taught me one of my greatest lessons: The greatest thing about life is summed up in three words – it goes on.

Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours

Sorry I didn't write last night. I was hanging out with my family while Jeffrey watched the playoffs with his. Its so weird being away from him. I don't feel like miserable without him, I just feel better, more whole with him. I don't mean to sound corny, but he really does complete me. He makes me happier and better and I'm so glad we found eachother so young. Hes my perfect soulmate and I have in him everything I could ever want. Sometimes I want to kill him, but I'd always kill for him. I guess thats why I feel bad hating someone in his family. I know he doesn't like that selfish woman either, but I know that he loves her, and that us hating eachother hurts him. I feel so guilty. I never want to cause him any pain ever. When he hurts I hurt. I feel like a really crappy fiancee because as much as it bothers me for him I can't seem to get a handle on my pride and try to work things out with shannon. I don't think I should have to, I took special caution not to say anything really damaging or ugly when we were fighting so that I'd have nothing to apologize for. I didn't even cuss. I don't know though. I don't want him to hurt and I don't want to swallow my pride. I feel like I'm so undeserving of him. I've been thinking a lot about our future. I really believe we'll have the perfect relationship forever. As time passes hes become less and less of a pushover. Hes not afraid to hurt my feelings even though he hates to make me cry- and will always fix whatever is broken in me, by him or not. I think thats what true love is about. Truth. Absolute pure and untainted truth. We can tell eachother anything always. I feel like maybe I'm not being 20 how I "should" but I wouldn't do it any different any day. I can't imagine how people would willingly go out and get hammered so badly that they don't even remember who they were with and what they did or where. I love having my baby to come home to. I worry if sometimes I might regret "growing up" too fast, but I don't see how I can when the point of growing up is to find someone like him and live happily ever after forever. Judge me how you want say what you will, but I wouldn't want my life any other way. Everything steers you towards finding the one. Even if you "Just want a career" why? For money? What do you need money for? To buy nice things? Why do you need nice things if you don't have anyone to share them with? We skipped some steps, but I'm so glad we did. I don't know if this is even making sense. I'm really just babbling so forgive me. Its time to cuddle.

Worth checking out

My mom started a blog!
Click here for my mom's blog
So did apryl!
To Apryl's blog!
Don't forget to check out Janey and Christina too!
Janey's blog here! Find Christina's blog here
And as always Krissy's!
Krissy's blog

Because the night

Has been stuck in my head like all day, and I can't figure out why. Also nothing happened today. I went to work and I only had to stay about three and a half hours. That was nice. I'm still all pissy about what I talked about yesterday. Life goes on though. I still haven't taken care of any of the things I am supposed to yet. Theres something wrong with me. I asked Greg where the heck my paycheck was and he said he didn't know we would figure it out tomorrow. Whatever. I go in early tomorrow which sucks because I'll have to work through the lunch rush and happy hour. Its awesome though because I kill in tips when I work 11-5. Also I usually don't work with Stacey from 11-5 which means I'll have nice managers.You know what else I hate? When the top end of the remote is pointing at me. It freaks me out. It like sends rays to the tv to change channels and stuff, and I'm scared that when its pointing at me it is sending rays at me. I know thats stupid considering there is laptop in my lap and I talk on a cell phone. Jeffrey makes fun of me for that all the time. Speaking of him, he made roast and potatoes tonight for dinner. It was really good. Hes so great at everything. I love him. Thats all I have to say for now. Maybe I'll have more tomorrow. I'm about to get off here and watch my show then go to bed. Nighty-night babies.

Sorry, but I was provoked

WARNING: this is rated R, lol. So I didn't end up going to the doctor today. At five am I got a present from mother nature. Thank you Lord. Mom goes to the doctor tomorrow, so the only other things left to stress about is that I need to talk to my school, and find out why my paycheck still isn't on my card! Oh and call oakland again. No big deal though those are all pretty easy fixes, minus my paycheck. I don't even know who to talk to about that. Maybe I got the day wrong and I get payed next tuesday?? Who knows. So I mostly layed around today with Jeffrey. It was glorious. This morning though I walked in on Shannon talking crap about me. Klassy, right? She was mid sentence when I entered the room, but didn't have anything to say to me. Thats fake as hell, why can't she say anything to my face? I'm not trying to be "hard" or anything, but I'm so over her that if she wasn't pregnant, (thus making it a felony) I'd knock the ever living shit out of her. She needs grow up. I haven't done anything to her trashy ass. I know I'm being ugly right now, and technically talking behind her back too. The difference is that I don't say anything about her to anyone but Jeffrey and when I vent on my blog. She's talking shit about me to her mom. Which basically told her to shut up, so suck on that. :) I don't say anything TO her out of respect for Jeffrey and his mom. If it wasn't going to upset them I'd definitely go there, but it would and that vial creature isn't worth hurting two people's feelings I care about. She doesn't say anything to me because shes a scared little bitch who knows shes wrong- the end. I go out of my way to make sure I don't say or do anything ugly to her so that she looks retarded for being upset, shes the one acting like a baby. You'll have to excuse all my cussing and unladylikeness it just really pissed me off today. Tomorrow is back to work for me, ugh. So I'm about to get off here and apply to a few different places onlline. See you babies tomorrow.

A doctor, a wedding, and a piglet

I apologize for not writing last night, I was exhausted. I worked five days in a row. Monday morning being on two hours of sleep, thank you Raylen. So when I got off yesterday I wanted to lay around and do nothing. Today I did a bunch of nothing. I slept forever then Jeffrey and I picked up Raylen from school. From there we went to Terri's since she doesn't have a phone so I could ask her if she would go with me to anahuac to see a dr tomorrow. When I got there mom was there to take  Kameron to the dr with Terri. Turns out hes coming down with the flu. Mom had some bad medical news for me today about her. Its not official though and its probably nothing serious. Until we know for sure though I don't feel comfortable putting that on the internet. My poor little mommy. So tomorrow I am going to go see a dr because I haven't had a period for more than two months, and I've taken several tests. All have been negative (thank god!) so something might be wrong with me, thus my dr apptmnt tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me. I'm scared. I am positive its nothing to do with starting my bc, because I had already skipped a month when I started taking it. Thats as much as I feel comfortable sharing about that on the internet. I'll let you guys know how that goes tomorrow. I still need to call my school and try to set up some online classes. I'm not thrilled with that task looming over me. I was supposed to be payed today but my money hasn't deposited into my account yet so I'm peeved about that. So with all of that going on today I feel really stressed out. Not to mention that Jeffrey and I really need to call Oakland back and reschedule an appointment. I'm stressed about that because the price barbra, the woman who lives there, gave me was really reasonable and affordable but was for a hundred people. I don't know if she can even fit more than a hundred people there because there isn't much parking. If this falls through I will be heartbroken again. I can't take much more venue letdown. First ashton gardens wanted to be ridiculously expensive, then haak winery was beautiful and in our budget but did not have our date open, so I can't handle this. Some one plan my wedding for me? Thanks. On a totally unrelated and somewhat random note, I want a piglet. Yes, a piglet. They have teacup piglets for sale and they are ADORABLE. They stay small forever, and when they die, you have a tiny snack. I'm totally kidding about the snack, but not the wanting a pig. Click here and look how cute they are! I don't have much else to say today. See you babies tomorrow.

I'm Heartbroken

Yes, heartbroken I say. It was raining really hard so we didn't get to go see Oakland today. I've been waiting for a whole week. Because of the rain I just went back to bed, and I wasn't looking forward to going to work in the rain. It started off as a bad night. I walked in and two of my coworkers were really mean to me. One said, "would you stop being a fucking scan hog??! I'm carhopping tonight too!" Shes always on drive thru so I had no way of knowing. Whatever. I'd be rude as hell too if I were forty five and working at sonic as not even a manager. Bitch. Then another girl named Mary set a whole bunch of lids on the trays and they aren't supposed to be there. The nice manager, Greg, said somebody move those lids now! So I did, and Mary yelled at me not to put those there! I said Greg told me to move them, and she was all like, I don't care move them again. It was so rude. I was so upset I didn't know what the heck I had done to them. Then the meanish manager, Stacey, was like in a bad mood again- that happens a lot. She was on my case and everyones, but I couldn't help but let my feelings be hurt after mary and maria were already being ugly to me. Then Mary apologized and said she didn't mean to be rude she had had a long and busy day. Thats kind of a crappy reason to get in someones face, but she apologized so I forgave her. I know that took a lot. Maria is always so rude to me, and she didn't apologize, but later that night the switchboard (thing you take orders on) wouldn't let you press anything and he was in drive thru, which maria had switched to, and got mad and just drove to the window. She said hit total so I can open it over here, I said I can't it won't let me, and she started screaming JUST HIT THE TOTAL BUTTON TO EXIT OUT OF IT!! I was like I can't like nine times. So she came flying over there and was like move I'll fix it. and I was like are you stupid I said its frozen you can't fix it. It felt good to finally be rude to her. I'll admit I yelled it and I feel a little bad, but very little bad. Stupid old hag. Later on Stacey pulled me aside and said she was sorry and explained why everyone was in a bad mood. Turns out that Simmone, the other new girl that started when I did screwed up basically every order when she worked last night and all day today. That they shouldn't take it out on me and that they were sorry. So my bad night got better. Now I'm home and I'm gonna cuddle my puppy before bed because I have work early. Hopefully with none of them. I'm sorry this probably bored you, but you don't have to read. The only other news I've got is that I need to call my school and set up my online classes, and reschedule our tour at oakland. See you kids tomorrow.

Forty dollars, and Farkle.

I had about two hours of sleep last night. I kind of hate sleeping next to raylen, even though I love her little bad self. I had work super early all the way until five.. It was worth it though. I made forty dollars in tips and I worked the morning and afternoon so the mean manager that runs me ragged wasn't there. It was way easier. :) After I got off we went to Terri and Kendall's to celebrate Kirk's birthday, they cooked for everyone. It was DELICIOUS. It was a good time, we played farkle- which was really fun! Also, I love Kameron and Taryn so much. Seriously, Loves of my life. Tomorrow we go see Oakland. If I wasn't so sleep deprived I'd have a hard time going to sleep, I'm that excited. I hope I get some days off this week because I work tomorrow too. I just want to sleep forever. So naturally now I'm basically just ready to go to bed. I'll fill you babies in tomorrow after work.

People suck sometimes

I had a very frustrating night at work. I was the only carhop and I only made 20 in tips for five hours. "/ Not to mention a few people ran me ragged and didn't even tip me. Not even a, "keep the change." Douches. My feet hurt like a mother and I'm tired. I want to eat shower and sleep all at the same time. Nothing else worth talking about happened today. Cept how Jeffrey just told me that he had a dream last night that there was a robot dog down at the creek by his house and that to turn it off you had to stick a key in his butt and turn it to turn it off, and he did it too. I'll leave you with that to think about.

God don't like ugly

My momma always says that. The older I get, the more I believe its true. There isn't much to report tonight. I got to bed pretty late last night because I waited up for Jeffrey's mom to get home from work and shower so that we could watch the craigslist killer together. You know, the lifetime movie. It was really good actually. Disturbing. I love watching stuff like that though. I'm a forensic files, law & order, 48 hours, e! investigates kind of girl. Its interesting to me. Not that I'm studying how to get away with murder or anything. I'm just intrigued by how easy it is for one decision to end someone's life. Also how everything you do effects other people. I'm also just a big fan of justice. :) Think you got away with it?? WRONG!! Hahah. So I slept really long and then had to go to work.

Work was not fun tonight. There are two sides to me. Really sweet, and really bitchy. If someone pisses me off I used to be really bad about going off. I've grown up though and I realize that my actions have repercussions so I think first. If I don't start its easy to control myself, although if I start I will not stop till I win. So this hobag that I work with who thinks her sh*t doesn't stink thought that me making a mistake was a big enough deal to talk crap about me incessantly for about fifteen minutes straight. I mean I took out a few orders and came back in and she was still talking about me. Plain and in the open, but not to me. I was mad embarrassed and my feelings were hurt, but I need to keep my job. I knew if I said anything to her I'd end up fighting. She was being THAT rude. Over a mistake, at sonic. Get a life. I was about ready to walk out, but I guess she felt bad because she started being nice to me for the rest of the night. I'll admit, I ignored her. If you can't say something nice..

Its almost the end of the pay period so they're watching their labor real close. They have a budget for how much they can pay employees so I got out about an hour early, which was great. :D I went to see Terri and the babies then since I knew they went to the DR yesterday. Taryn already sounds a bajillion times better, they put her on a breathing treatment to clear out her lungs. She has a tiny inhaler. Its so sweet. Sunday Jeffrey and I are going to look at oakland and I'm so excited. :D I'll talk to you babies tomorrow.

A million mistakes makes a masterpiece

Todays been good. I slept almost all day since it was my last day off. Then we picked Raylen up from school and then I read and fixed my blog. Isn't it beautiful? So other than that I don't have much to say. My gums are hurting in case you wanted to know, and I'm loving this weather. Its given me lots of time to cuddle up to my puppy. We were talking about how much we both love to read and that we hope our kids have the same passion for it. I don't know where it came from with me though because no one else in my family likes to read. I don't know that any one in Jeffrey's family does either. I mean we go through book after book. When we don't have something to read we're looking into a new series. I hope to pass that along to my kids. :) Thats my random thought for the day, lol. That and Raylen and Harley were very bad today. I'm very glad I've started birth control   on days like today. I know that this blog is short and kind of pointless, and I'm sorry, there isn't much on my mind today. I've just been relaxed and mellow. Last thing is I'd like to share this with you. I thought it was funny.

p.s this is my fiftieth blog post! :D and also i'm four page views away from a thousand. :) thanks for sticking with me so long guys. 

I'm a little all over the place tonight

Today was good. Jeffrey and I spent the day working on our guestlist together. Not fun. Not fun at all. I had to call Krissy for a rundown of the hartman side of my family, and aunt VJ for the carpenter side of my family. Jeffrey's mom is going to have to go over the list and fill in all of his family we don't know about or forgot. At this point we have about 225 people. Thats knowing I forgot about a few people so there will be more. We just have to wait until we have a talk with Jeffrey's mom to let her know we've started planning the wedding. I mean she knows, but she isn't aware we are actively planning a wedding now. Shes very.. tempormental? She gets emotional when we talk about our wedding or anything because shes not ready for Jeffrey to grow up. I get it, but it hurts my feelings. Maybe I'll understand one day when I have kids. Its not that she doesn't love me or that she doesn't want jeffrey to marry me, she just doesn't want to loose her baby. So we have to talk to her about it. Tell her we believe its time and that we want her to be apart of it and happy. I know how this sounds, and I wish you could all understand- she really is very sweet, she just doesn't like change. Okay I feel like you're all going to judge this so I'm going to stop explaining about that. While I was on the phone with my aunt VJ she told me that there is some rare hereditary disease found in our family, and that I need to be tested. So now some hospital in like vermont doing a study is going to send me a swab and I have to mail it back. In a month they'll call and tell me. Its no big deal but its called ALPS. Autoimmune Lymphoproliferative Syndrome. Tonight was the first time I had ever heard of it. Turns out thats because its new, and not widely understood. It basically means that if I have the ALPS gene in my body, when I get sick some kind of thing in my body attacks my white blood cells, or the cells that fight infection, and kills them. So the only thing that it means is when I get sick I get really sick and I have a harder time getting over it. Makes sense, and it sounds like me. We shall see. If I find out I have it, nothing really changes, we'll just have more information about my body. So my last tidbit for you guys tonight is that I want to start a new book series. It doesn't even have to be a series though. Maybe just a single book. I like fantasy, sci fi, and love stories. Some mysteries sometimes. No trashy romance novels. I'd love some suggestions. :) Thats all babies
P.s. Do you guys like my new layout? Is it hard to read? I'm curious cause I think it may be a little hard to read.

Extra! Extra! Read all about me

I've decided to try this again. I've gotten over feeling sick, so I'm better physically. I've been better emotionally too. :) I feel better mentally since Jeffrey and I have had a talk. I was very upset that we've been engaged for eight months (on the fourteenth) and nothing has changed. So we decided that since our prospective wedding day will be in october nine months from now its time to start planning. I made some calls today to some venues. I left a message with haak winery, but I don't think that we're gonna go there. I called Oakland again and left another message, and then I called the san jacinto monument. I wanted to get some pricing for there. I thought it would be beautiful to be married on the steps, and take pictures by the reflecting pool. No answer. I'm going to call them back tomorrow since I was able to find out who I need to talk to about that. I also called Tony, my youth pastor, and the minister who is goign to marry Jeffrey and I, and found out how much renting my church would be. So I'm pretty confident we can afford a wedding. :) Tonight I was watching Pretty Little Liars and oakland called me back FINALLY! I've been trying for months to get a hold of them. The woman told me their prices and what the package includes and its basically everything and its under 2k! If we go there all I will need to buy is a dress, our rings, the food for the ceremony, the cake, and our bouqets. Everything else is included. Not to mention its gorgeous, and its really close to home. We are scheduled to go tour the place sunday at 2 :D I'm so excited. Jeffrey is too. Tomorrow we are going to work on our guest list. We have speculated anywhere from 250 to 300, but thats a lot of people! I'm talking family, and our close friends. Not everyone from highschool and our parent's friends and guests. It would be different if they were paying for it, but they're not. I haven't broken the news to Jeffrey yet, but I want to keep it around 100. Everything will be cheaper with less guests. I don't care if I sound cheap. I hope to be cheap. The deposit at oakland is only 200 dollars. I won't have that on sunday though :( so if we decide on oakland then maybe she will have aheart and hold our date with out the deposit until I can get it to her. So in like february I'll need to start dress shopping. Thats an exciting/depressing thought. I'm excited. :D Theres so much to do. :D So much money to be spent :( lol! Other then that you guys haven't really missed much. I've just been sick and lying around. Working sometimes though. I'll see you kids tomorrow!

Christina's blog

Sorry that this gets its own tiny post. but christina just started a blog, check her out here!

Christina's Blog!  love her!

Tiny rant

i still don't feel up to sharing with you guys. I'm sorry for that, I do feel bad that I've left some of you hanging- but there is something I have to say. For me. For my sanity. It isn't directed at anyone or anything. I just feel the need to say that I am 20 years old, I am in school and working a part time job. That doesn't sound like much, but its exhausting. I'm doing everything that I am "supposed" to be doing right now. I'm trying my damndest to keep my head above water, and to keep on keeping on. I'm doing everything that I can right now, and I'm doing everything that I know. So what if I can't pay a bill sometimes? I'm twenty and doing it on my own. I know that as long as I work hard and give it my damndest I'll be okay. Because I have to do okay. I'm all that I have and I can trust me. Yeah, you guessed it, thats part of whats bothering me. Hope I can start writing to you guys on a regular basis soon. Until then, babies.

Explanation

I'm sorry that I haven't written, and I'm sorry that I don't intend to. I've been going through some stuff lately. Emotional, physical, mentally, and with all my relationships. Stuff that I don't feel like talking/thinking about. I"m looking forward to when some of passes and I can entertain you all again. Until then, babies- take care.