I'm so boring, yet you can't help but read about it

What does that say about you? hahah.I can't believe I've put off posting for so long. Sorry about that, I'll really try to get better. Theres not much new to write about other than that I'm finished with 97% of my christmas shopping. I'm beyond relieved to have it overwith. Jeffrey is going to be a very happy little puppy! As well as Jade, I tried to make her present super special. I got her a build-a-bear. So with all my christmas shopping done I bought something for myself. I bought Jackie's computer from her. I looked up reviews and things and heard really good things about it, and for only a hundred dollars I couldn't pass it up. I wanted my own computer again so badly. :) I'm excited she should be shipping it tomorrow. I made an eighty-three on my quiz today. I didn't study so I feel awesome. One other person passed so basically, I own them. I spent a good chunk of today in class filling out applications. I will turn them in tomorrow, so cross your fingers for me. :D Thats all for now, sorry I'm so boring. I am not allowed to tell the juicy things I know yet.

I'm Deranged

Let me start by apologizing for not posting for two days, because as unlikely as this is, People actually read these. I was fighting with Jeffrey, and I know that I made this blog so that I would have a place to vent, but its been two days and its been resolved and I have nothing more to say about it than I hope Jeffrey keeps his word and stands beside me in the future. I love him, and I will find a way to work almost everything out with him, but if he repeatedly lets people talk to me inappropraitly without attempting to interine, it will be the end of our relationship. I would never sit Idly by and let someone talk ugly to him. Now thats all I have to say about that out of respect for our relationship.

I'm definitely not glad that I'm at odds with his sister and cousin right now, but I do like that we are experiencing these kind of set backs now and knowing that we can get through them and we do belong together. No one  can make me as happy, sad, or mad as Jeffrey can. I wouldn't have it any other way. I've never cried so much, swallowed so much pride, bit my tongue so hard, or loved so much. He definitely makes my life so much better. Now to move beyond the mush. :) Yesterday I took Raylen out to see Tangled, just me and her. We had a great time. Its such a cute movie, I highly reccommend it. Also I can not wait until Kameron is old enough for me to do special things with just me and him, and Taryn too.

Today was good. We always eat thanksgiving at 12. I know.. we're crazy, but we have christmas dinner at noon too. My mom always just wants to get it over with. I don't understand why, but I've grown up like that and its the way I prefer it too. Then you clean up and you have the rest of the day to sit around and enjoy eachother. If you're hungry go heat some leftovers up out of the fridge. :) Terri and the babies went to be with Kendall's family, and mom and kirk went to autorama at the george r brown convention center. I took Jeffrey to be with his family and came home. I didn't want to be there. I feel bad about it. I did make sure like seventy times he wasn't upset, he swears he isn't. I just don't have the emotional energy to go and be ignored. It will make me upset and I probably will end up giving dirty looks and making it worse. I guess he knows this. lol. I swear, I really am trying to grow up.

EDIT--- if you don't like horror movies you probably shouldn't read the next part, I don't want to let my fears scare you. lol

So yes, that means I am sitting here alone on thanksgiving. Its kind of sad, but I'm kind of really glad to just be alone. I'm rarely alone, and I'm usually scared out of my mind when I am. I watch a lot of forensic files, e!investigates, and shows about serial killers. So because I know they freak me out I don't shower when I'm home alone. I convinced myself that a bubble bath sounded amazing and that i'd be okay. So I got in, and all I could think about was that movie black christmas that came out a few years ago. Kelsey, Ashley, Chad, Chris and I all went and saw it and I remember it like it was yesterday. "Shes my family now." It really freaked me out when I saw it.

I eventually forgot about it. Its now officially the holiday season though and I was home alone so I was thinking he was going to sneak up behind me and put a trashbag over my head and cut my eyes out with a really sharp candy cane. I know I have problems, but just wait it gets better. So I cancelled the bubble bath and just showered, while looking over my shoulder constantly. I ran from the bathrroom to my room and I kept thinking about BTK, the serial killer. He would sneak into women's houses and hide. He'd watch them do everything until they went to sleep. Then he'd rape and kill them. So I then grabbed a pair of scissors and searched every inch of the house. Hoping that combo, our tiny half chihuahua half maltese, would keep me safe. Luckily no one was here. :) So now I'm sitting on the couch watching spongebob with a pair of scissors. :) So if you ever wondered wtf was going on in my mind... there you go.

Tonight Jeffrey and I are going to go out shoppng at all the black friday sales. Its not that bad because we're not trying to get tvs or computers. So the only sucky part is the check out lines. "/ Its worth it though to get my christmas shopping overwith in one day. Wish me luck. I'm finally getting to listen to my new Taylor Swift CD by the waya. Its AMAZING. If you ever get a chance you should read the prologue on the inserted little packet thing. :) It was beautifully written. I just know that if we ever met- Taylor and I would be BEST friends. lol. I'm done terrorizing you with my thoughts.

My God- Ten year olds can talk.

I was looking for car insurance like I mentioned and someone called me with quotes this morning around eight and it woke me up, naturally I checked my text messages and had one from my friend in class asking why I wasn't in school because we had a quiz today. GREAT! If you miss a quiz you can't make them up. I panicked so we schemed up some lies to avoid that rule. I emailed her and told her that I was sitting in traffic and my car just died, and I could barely get it to the shoulder and that Jeffrey's dad came and towed me home. I'm not proud of lying but I am pleased with myself because I can now make up the quiz.

Don't judge me, It's not like I sat around on my fat butt and did nothing today. I picked Raylen up from school, picked up an application from IHOP like I mentioned last night, and then went to food town to get car insurance. Its not that bad either. I went to the same company that I had last year when I had my wreck, they only charged me ten more dollars than before. For another 13 a month I can be fully covered. I know I should do it, but that would be nearly 150 dollars a month and I feel like thats too much money.


I can't wait to go back to school tomorrow. I hate getting up, but I feel so useless if I don't. I really can't concentrate on this right now, and I need to shower then go to bed early tonight. :)

I'm not gonna lie, this is unpleasant

I've decided that I'm going to not go to school tomorrow and go seek out auto insurance instead. I had a pretty bad day today. Jeffrey's mom begged us to take Raylen and Dominic to the circus today so eventually we agreed to it. She said it started at 7:30 so we waited all day. When it was time to leave we couldn't find our tickets. Once those were found- we could not find my car keys. We looked literally everywhere. We gave up and let Jeffrey's dad take us up to where his mom works so that we could get her car then go pick up Dominic. Turns out Jeffrey's mom had accidentally put my keys in her pocket and she had them with her at work.

Jeffrey's dad was already heading up there because he was going to pick up Shannon from work, so of course Kenny had to go. Raylen was talking about the circus and how she wished Harley could come, and Kenny was like no they beat the shit out of those animals and stuff. I was like stop it I don't like hearing about that. So he felt the need to be a complete and total dick and tell me to stop supporting them if I don't want to hear about it. I know while reading this you probably think I get into a lot of fights, when really I don't. In fact I always say if you're always fighting with someone maybe its you... Really though If I'm wrong here I can't see where.. Kenny and Shannon are such bitches. I honestly wouldn't be sad if they didn't exist anymore. Thats not even where it ends today.

So we went inside her work and were talking to ourselves while she was getting the keys and I told Jeffrey that I wanted to make sure we got a stroller for Dominic. Amber (Jeffrey's mom's CRAZY bitch ass best friend) over heard and said that we were NOT taking her grandson out at night to the circus because it would be too loud and she didn't want him out in the cold, and that we couldn't handle two kids at once. I was very offended. We've taken care of five kids at once by ourselves before. Not to mention the fact that someone invented jackets eons ago... All I said was I don't see why you won't let us take him. We will keep him covered, and we watched three kids alone last night. I think we can handle it, and his mom already said it was okay. She was like no no no! and really rude about it. I was like fine, but if we can't handle him then we're not going to watch him next time you need help. She was all like fine. So I said that includes Jeffrey, she said he would still watch him and I said no he wouldn't and we went back and forth like that for a minute. Then Jeffrey's mom pryed us apart and said to just forget it and for us to go.

Amber being the mature fifty some odd old lady that she is thought it a good idea to yell across her workplace for me to stop being such a bitch. So I told her she was the one being a bitch and that she should try acting her age. Jeffrey's mom was just about shoving us out the door then. So Amber being the pshyco bitch that she is followed us outside and started yelling things so unintelligable I don't even remember them now. Jeffrey then thought it appropriate to tell her to stop talking to me like that and to go away, but she didn't. I told her she was awfully rude to someone who took care of her grandson. She told me that she takes care of him, I said that whenever she wasn't there I was. Then she recalled a mistake I made while watching him for one of the first times. I do feel bad for the mistake I made, but he didn't get hurt, and I had no way of knowing because i don't have kids.. but anyway. My mistake says more about her than me.. She still trusted me with him after that so obviously shes not that concerned about his safety.  Did I mention that poor tiny five year old Raylen was standing right there for all of this. She is so classless and I hate her. I know its not exactly classy to hate anyone or say it out loud at least, but that woman is devil spawn.

Again, I fail to see what I did here. I still stand by the fact that if everyone hates you.. maybe you're doing something wrong, but in this situation too I fail to see what I did. Please if you can see where I'm wrong let me know. With amber, with shannon, with kenny, with pepper I honestly believe I have done nothing wrong. I go out of my way to help people almost constantly. I can  think of at least three things I do for someone else on a daily basis. Today I cleaned Jeffrey's room, did laundry so Jeffrey's mom wouldn't have to when she gets home from work, and I brought Raylen to the circus. See? Fuck them.

Thats not the end of it either. We got to the circus and found out there was no 7:30 show. There were no more shows at all. Poor Raylen :( So we bought some tickets and let her ride the camel, and the ponies and slide down the giant inflatable slide. She even got to pick out a rainbow sword. I promised we would take her to the circus twice next year so that she wouldn't cry, and we let her pick where we were going for dinner. She picked IHOP. It was really good. I love the crispy chicken salad. When we were leaving I asked for an application and made small talk with the guy that was our waiter. He told me he went to high school with me and graduated in 2009, and that he hung out with Pepper all the time. I was like great... lol. Really though anyone who knows her knows how touchy she is so I guess he got it when I told him that she was mad at me right now. He said they had to print up some more applications and that I should come back tomorrow and I could use his name on the application. Hopefully that will get me the job! I soo need a job right now. I'm sorry this post was mostly dialogue and bitching. It probably wasn't my best literary masterpiece, I hope you forgive me and continue to read my future posts. :)

Where's Waldo?

I woke up at about three o' clock today. I know I know, but you see I didn't go to bed until six this last morning and I had to take two sleeping pills to get there. I then had a weird dream that I had lost all of my teeth, which is funny because on the radio the other morning they said that is one of the most common dreams people have and I was like thats stupid I've never dreamt that. Jeffrey said he does all the time. lol. Other than that I tried to get car insurance but everywhere was already closed. Boo! Tomorrow is sunday so I can't tomorrow either. Jeffrey changed my oil today. Him and his daddy, it made me happy. I like when he does things like that and when I do things around the house at the same time. While he was outside fiddling with my car I was doing laundry and the dishes. After that we went to watch Kameron and Taryn so Terri and Kendall came out. I didn't want to leave the babies there when they got home because they were fighting. :( It made me sad for them. I never want anyone to not want to leave me with my kids. Anyways thats all I have for today. Tomorrow Jeffrey and I are supposed to take Raylen and Dominic to the circus so we'll see if we actually get to go. Until then.

P.S. I hate wheres waldo!

Happy

Today was good. Jeffrey and I took Raylen to her dance class and then dropped her off at home so we could go see Harry Potter with my mom and Kirk. It was AMAZING! I started reading Harry Potter when I was in fourth grade! Then the movies came out when I was eleven. Mom and Kirk and I went to every one together. So naturally Jeffrey and I went with them. I bought mom and Kirk's tickets and wouldn't let them pay me back. My mom was really pleased with that, and it made me really happy too. It was neat that we started seeing the movies when I was eleven and they were taking me, and now we went and saw it while I was twenty and I took them.

When we got home I gave Raylen a bath, and then we made hot chocolate and watched Pocahontas with her. I'm so glad we are making memories like that with her. I bet Jeffrey and I are her favorite. :) In other news, when I got out of the movies I had a text on my phone from my friend who I thought I lost. He was apologizing. As I type we are IMing trying to work it out. I really hope we find some common ground because I really want him to be in my life, but I'm not willing to blur my lines. Jeffrey deserves more than that.

Speaking of, how great is he?! I mean really he does everything for me, and we share everything. We spend almost every waking moment together. That would drive most people crazy, but really I couldn't see it any other way. We are so apart of each other. I don't know what I would do if not for him. He makes me so much better than I am. I'm so happy that we have found each other so young. I feel beyond lucky. My sister is married to her jr high and high school sweetheart, and isn't nearly as lucky as I am. Jeffrey is so selfless and compassionate and sweet and sensitive, and frustrating, and annoying, and smart, and funny, and the best person I've ever known. I can't wait to call him my husband.

I think I'm turning Japanese.

I couldn't sleep last night, and didn't- at all. I need to stop doing that, for real. So I made Jeffrey drive me to school so I wouldn't crash, lol. We decided neither of us should stay awake so I called my teacher and arranged to take my quiz first thing so I could leave. I think I did pretty amazing, I hope so since it was my first quiz this mod. After that I came home and went to bed. Then I woke up and went to pay for my sisters wedding ring in the pawn shop so that she wouldn't loose it. Sigh.. Thats pretty much all I did except for going to wal mart to buy a new book. They didn't have much of a selection, Baytown really needs to get a book store. I eventually decided on the lovely bones. I really wanted to see that movie when it came out but I still haven't gotten around to it. The books are usually better anyways. I haven't started it yet though. I'll let you know how it is when I do.

While searching, I came across one of my all time favorite books, The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks. Probably the most romantic thing I've ever read. I definitely recommend that book, it will put anything you or your significant other do for each other to shame forever. Jeffrey is going to read it. :) I will make him. I know that he'll love it though. I read Dear John back in high school before it got popular.. and LOVED it, I made Jeffrey read that too. That book.. that book changed the way I loved, no lie. I love that about books.. They take you places, show you how other people think, and if you're lucky you take something away from the really good ones. 

Last night I mentioned that me and my friend got into a fight and he made a great exit, I was hoping we would make up and still be friends. I tried to call him and talk things over, but he wasn't interested. I'll admit I was a little rude, so I can see why he is upset with me, but really he tried crossing a line. I'm engaged to Jeffrey therefore some topics are inappropriate and I don't want to talk about them with another guy, its wrong. I'm sorry that I responded so.. loudly? but it wasn't okay. My feelings are really hurt because minus this one infarction, yes I meant to say infarction its a word- look it up, I really want this person in my life. 

Although today brought back someone else from my past, almost like a trade off. The other friend I mentioned talking to again called earlier out of the blue. It was a wonderful, I guess she missed me too. Janey and I are okay again I guess. I don't know how far that statement spans or if it will last, but I hope so. I miss having girlfriends. I mean, I have girlfriends, but no one I can really talk to. Janey was someone I could always call up and bitch to. So today was pretty good. Or at least I've had worse. When I went to pay for Terri's ring I went to the ATM, I was dreading seeing my balance, but I must say I was very proud. My money will last for a while longer and I'm still looking for a job, so I should be okay. :) 

Now finally, to address the title of this here blog. I think I'm turning japanese. look:

See?  hahah.

Puppy Lovin'

Today was so long. I did NOT want to get up for school. Five fifteen comes really early. Its absolutely CRAZY that I have to be up that early because my classes don't start until eight. I know WTF? jenny! I have to leave the house at six thirty to make it to school by eight. I travel to richmond avenue everyday, and back. EXHAUSTING. Well, sometimes. I actually kind of like the drive most days. It gives me a chance to think. :) A chance to let loose and sing as loud as I want too. I also like that I get experience with downtown houston. My mom is forty-five and she still won't drive houston. LAME. Baytown sucks, I've always said how I absolutely do NOT want to raise a family here one day. I still don't, but knowing how much Houston has to offer right up the road kind of makes it seem not so bad. I'm talking about all the driving because today I finally went to the DPS and got another liscence finally, and it took forever! Of course it doesn't help that I'm the most impatient person in the world, Jeffrey is always telling me that.

My old friend I mentioned that was back in my life made a grand exit today. "/ I'm sad because I really enjoyed having that person in my life. It made me happy and feel like I could be somewhat like the old me. Do you know what I mean? Well it turns out that this person hasn't changed much, and I remembered they weren't in my life anymore for a reason. I know its for the best because no friendship or relationship is worth getting in the way of Jeffrey and I. Thats what said person was attempting. No go. I know it might be... wrong? but Jeffrey and I chose eachother. We both said forever and marriage vows say forsaking all others. I know we haven't taken them yet, but we plan to so same thing right? Anyways.. forsaking all others is my favorite line. It speaks to me. I don't care if its my best friend, cousin, sister, or mother, Jeffrey comes first. Don't dare try to put yourself inbetween us. I'm not a cold hearted bitch, of course it would take more from my mom or sister or something for me to be like, screw off, I pick jeffrey.

I'm so glad that I pryed myself out of bed this morning. I really do enjoy these classes this mod. I'm such a nerd, I know this. Also, Jeffrey and I watched dominic again today. In fact we still are, baby butt is sitting in my lap as I type. I knew since we first started watching him almost a year ago, that together someday we will make great parents. Today though, it became evident to me how well it will work out. We have already assumed roles and work well together. I bathe the kids we care for, I change most of the diapers- Jeffrey does change them if I ask him to, or he gets to it first. I put their clothes on them, except for the socks. I'm bad at the socks and shoes, Jeffrey does that. Jeffrey secures carseats and gets them in and out of the car. He usually feeds them, I mostly lay them down for bed. He sometimes does this, it depends on the kid and if they are whining lol. We just work so well together. If by some twisted turn of fate we ended up pregnant right now, I don't think I'd be upset, minus the money thing. lol but who can ever say they aren't worried about the money to raise a baby. Again, don't read too much into this, I am not saying that I want to have babies right now. Those are all my tiny thoughts tonight. I hope you enjoyed them. :)

As if.

Thats right, I so just went alicia silverstone circa clueless on your ass. Anyways, I was so tired yesterday so I went to bed early and got an actual eight hours of sleep! I still didn't want to wake up this morning though. I really don't want to stress out my hours this mod though so I got out of bed. I was so glad I went to class today, I learned a lot and I loved the material. I like the way Dr. Jordan teaches, its the exact  structure I need for the way I learn. On a semi related note, I'm so ready to be done being sick.

I feel like I got a lot done today, even though I really didn't. I went to school, played with tiny dommy for a little while, resisted the STRONG urge to nap, bought Jeffrey's christmas, and narrowed down the options for his mommy's christmas. I can't divulge details there because Jeffrey sometimes reads this. I've decided to be a total grinch this year and only buy presents for people that I like. Family or not, I don't give a flying.. :) it's my money and you don't get any! That includes your children too... maybe. I'm just being a bitch right now, so don't hold me to this.

I haven't had much anything to say for a few days and I feel like I might be letting y'all down. I know I'm such a bore, hopefully something interested will happen to me tomorrow. Riiiight.

Oh, Boring day.

I went back to school today. I knew I missed it, but WOW! I don't feel useless anymore. :D It felt awful wasting my days away doing nothing. I started my fourth mod today, which means I only have seven more! Actually, six and an externship! This mod I'm taking Cardiopulminary diagnostic procedures... or the EKG lab, and the anatomy class that goes with it. I have the same teacher for both classes, and I really like her! She does make a lot of eye contact though, and it makes me a little uncomfortable. Anyways, point is, I LOVE my classes and I'm so excited to be back at school. We found out that we don't get but one day off for thanksgiving break! I also only get one week off for christmas/new years! I would be angry if it wasn't for the fact that I will graduate in July!

I didn't get much sleep last night. I was up all night fighting with my friend, but I felt okay in the morning when I took some medicine. Right before lunch it started wearing off or something and I felt like shit. So I called Jeffrey and he headed up there early. I only left an hour early because the drive was so long it took that long for Jeffrey to get there! Also my phone got cut off today because I forgot to pay the bill yesterday. Its back on now though so we're golden. My friend and I made up too, so other than the fact that I feel like crap I had a pretty good day. I napped all day but I'm EXHAUSTED so I'm about to go to bed. :)

Laters on the menjay! (hahah  I love you, man!)

This is probably going to be a waste of your time.

Stupid achey, tired body. If anything I've gotten worse. I hate being sick especially when I'm not at home. I did take out a lot of my frustration on halo though. I find that usually helps, and I've been getting better at it too. :) Nerrrrd, yes you can say it. I guess its time I should start thinking about christmas shopping. I want to get my mom something special but I need to keep it cheap. Any ideas? I have a general idea for what I'm going to get Jeffrey. I can't write it here though since he sometimes reads these posts. I really screwed myself overt two christmases ago by giving him the BEST PRESENT EVER!! I had bought one of those calendars that you pull the sheet off for each day, and I decorated each page with a reason why I loved him. Feel free to reuse that if you want. :) After I buy for my mom and Jeffrey all I have left is kirk, terri, kendall, kameron, taryn, raylen, harley, jade, and jeffrey's parents. I'm not going to spend money on everyone this year especially if they're mad at me. At this point I am not going to his family's thanksgiving, or christmas because they do it at his cousin's' parents house, the one that is mad at me. I don't want to go deal with it. I don't want to go camping with them either in march. She'll be there and I don't want to deal with her, or her bitchy looks. On the other hand though I kind of want to be at all of those things because it probably pisses her off that I'm there and she can't do anything about it. :D oh.. I mean, Jeffrey would be happy if I could put my feelings aside and spend the holidays with him and his family. I'm messed up. God I have issues. lol. Nothing really happened today, so hopefully if you plan on coming back tomorrow, I'll have a jucier update.

Everyone's got a sob story, here's mine.

My throat hurts, which is about right. I do go back to school monday so it only makes since that I would get sick. I feel like crap too. Emotionally, physically, mentally, you name it. I'm stuck in a weird spot. I don't know whats wrong or why I'm upset, which happens sometimes, I'm a girl- It's my prerogative. Today Iits affecting my relationship. I've been kind of distant which I guess is pushing Jeffrey away.. He's being passive aggressive, which is pissing me off. I don't even know why we have a problem or if we're fighting, but I just feel so resentful today. I also feel really bad putting this out for everyone to read because it's nobody's damn business. Thats the point of this blog though right? A place to vent? I hope so because it doesn't feel right saying this to anyone. I'm so angry and hurt today. I Feel so resentful. I resent my mom, I resent my sister, I resent Jeffrey. Nothing happened, it's just all hitting me today. I resent my mom because I know she loves me, but she doesn't help me like I need, she's too busy taking care of Terri and her kids. I'm grateful for that anyother day, but today... I'm just a spiteful, angry, raging bitch. I resent Terri for this too. I'm 20, she is about to turn 26. My mom is so busy helping her, I hardly exist. I need guidance, I need some help sometimes. I'm scared, its a big scary world, and if you don't want me to need you like Terri does when I have a family, maybe you should steer me in the right direction now, don't you think? I resent Jeffrey because he doesn't understand. I'm always stressed out, I'm always worried, and he doesn't understand- he's never been there. He never will, his mom does everything she can to make sure he doesn't have to feel stressed out or worried or alone. I don't really resent him for that, so I'm more jealous of him in that way. I worded that wrong. "/ I'm so full of pessimism today. I hate everyone.

Life goes on

So my plans for today were to go apply to some nasty little fast food joint I used to work at in high school because its my only chance at a job. The only experience I have. I then realized it was veterans day and they would probably not be open so I'm going tomorrow. After that Jeffrey and I just hung out around the house and his cousin pepper came over. Remember I said I drunkenly apologized to her? I don't remember what I said or what she said or if things are okay now.. She hasn't talked to me so I guess she's still upset with me. Not upset with Jeffrey though even though he verbally bitch slapped her for me when she was ugly to me :)

So I don't know what that means. I'm emotional, I know this, and I know that I have my own set of rules for our relationship. Poor Jeffrey, he doesn't know which way is up when it comes to not hurting my feelings.. but I digress, thats totally different post right there, lol. The way I see it is, I love Jeffrey and if anyone, my family or not, hurt his feelings, I wouldn't want anything to do with them until they apologized. Its beyond me how he doesn't feel the same way, but he doesn't. Pepper said something to him and he talked back. Naturally the emotional being that I am, I went into an emotional downward spiral. Silently of course, I've gotten amazing at not causing a scene. In-laws, and respect for your fiance will do that for you. Oh.. and growing up of course, lol. I'm over it now though, who cares? I don't want to waste my time thinking about someone so unessential to my life. Is that a healthy thought?

My school called today. I get to go back monday like nothing even happened. Mrs. Garza told me that I can make up the time I missed and still graduate on time. I'm signed up to take the EKG class, and Anatomy & Physiology this mod. Thats going to be really hard, so I will start making things up next mod. I'm excited. But I do need to get things straight before I start going to downtown every day. I need to get another driver's lisence and I need to find some car insurance! I know I know.. don't preach at me. :)

After that, my mom called to tell me my sister's cousin, Mike had died last night. He isn't my cousin, my sister and I have different dads. Terri and Kendall's phones won't be on until tomorrow, so her dad couldn't call to tell her and posted R.I.P. on facebook, my mom saw and sought out after details. Terri and Mike were very close growing up. So I went to her house so she could call her dad. Jeffrey didn't want to come with me, because he doesn't know how to handle these conversations. I was beyond hurt that he couldn't just be there for my sister like i'm always there for his family. So I went alone feeling negative and down trodden. She knew something was wrong when I got there. I just told her that her dad was trying to get a hold of her and that it was important. While she called I took care of the kids. Let me just tell you, When her face crumpled, my heart did. I never realized how much I would give to keep her from hurting. I love my sister so much. After all this, I saw that she really just needed me, and I was grateful Jeffrey foresaw that, and gave us our time together. I love him!

She was broken hearted and angry, and I was at a loss for words. How someone so young can take their life on purpose and leave three kids and a wife behind is beyond me. It hurt the most that Terri could understand his reasons. Shes both been there, felt that before. We were sitting there and she was crying and I was holding baby Taryn, and Kameron was still so happy and oblivious just playing like making us laugh was the single most important thing in the world. I was so happy in that moment to realize that while I could understand his feelings, not his reasons, and knowing that so many people right now felt that way, that life goes on. Kameron has been such a blessing and a suture that holds our family together. I wish life was as easy as Kameron thinks, that every tear is forgotten as soon as you laugh, and it breaks my heart to know that one day he'll realize thats not so. That one day his spirit will break too, one day he'll cry for other reasons than i'm hungry, i'm hurt, or i miss you. I love him. Today was a shit ass day for all of this, but it reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

and the greatest things I've learned of life is this: it goes on.

Whats got my panties in a bunch, you ask?

I didn't post yesterday because I was with Dominic. Oh tiny Dominic! Jeffrey and I played with him in his room with all his toys and things. People playing with him must be rare because he didn't know what to think! He was yelling and running and laughing and having the time of his tiny little life. I hope he remembers us and the times we had when he gets big. I say this because I have an awful premonition that he won't be in our lives forever. That makes me sad. I'm trying to convince Jeffrey to make Dominic a tiny groomsmen in our wedding, but he doesn't want to because he probably won't be apart of our lives forever.

Today Jeffrey and I took Terri, Taryn, and Kameron to see the doctor. Kameron was a tiny hellian once again. I  hope his.... brattiness, for lack of a better word, is just a phase. I hate to say that, but lately he's been so bad! I think its just since now there is a tiny baby around 100% of the time taking up 50% of his attention. I hope thats it and that it will get better soon. After the doctor we went to wal mart so that Terri could grocery shop while we waited for taryn's prescription. I got some things too: grapes, oranges, a pineapple, and some crystal lite drink mixes. I want to start eating/drinking better to help loose some weight. I'll start with my snacks, I'll make them healthy i.e the fruit. I'm drinking what I'm going to try to make my last soda right now. So then we load the car in the pouring rain, and get a call from Jeffrey's mom that raylen was at the house with no one to watch her so she had to call Jeffrey's dad home from work to take care of her! When we're pulling out, my passenger side mirror just falls off! WTF?! Right? Someone obviously hit it like with a cart or something and stuck it back on, cause its still attatched, just hanging.  Who does that?

Whats even better is that I found out a new one costs about a hundred and twenty five dollars. Luckily I might be able to find an old one for about fifty. Markably better, but I shouldn't even have to replace it. So thats whats got my panties in a bunch for now. Now I'm off to spend some time with my puppy. :)

Holy shnikes!

I'd like to start out by saying, how the hell do you (my peers) guys do this all the time?! I never want to see another beer... well until I forget about this horrific experience lol. I'm still feeling sick, but Last night was fun. Jeffrey and I drank with his brother and sister in law. If for no other reason last night was good because alcohol is the ultimate peace maker. I got the notion in me to apologize to pepper. I'm not sure why though because I didn't do anything wrong. So I guess apologize isn't the right word. Talked it out is better. I don't remember what I said though. I don't remember the last half of the night though actually.

Being the bigger person is hard. Especially since I am so emotional. I miss when I didn't have to be so diplomatic and responsible and shit. I just want to be carefree and young like I used to be. Since when does twenty mean you aren't allowed to make mistakes? Okay I realize thats a little mellow dramatic and no one actually said that, but really I feel like that. Thats probably just because I am so emotionally aware. I've been at emotional rock bottom before, Thank you highschool, and I know how bad it sucks I don't want to be the reason for anyone to feel that bad, so when I screw up, I usually take it pretty hard.

Babble Babble

Last night Jeffrey and I stayed up all night so we wouldn't have to wake up early for the annual compliance meeting. Not our best idea. After the meeting and a quick nap we took Raylen to a birthday party at prince's roller rink. She had a blast and we very much enjoyed all the kids busting their faces. hahah- I know, we're terrible. I then decided we should go on a date. We went to outback and then through a huge ordeal involving two different theaters and about 20 minutes waiting in line. Finally we saw Due Date. H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. that is all. 

My feelings were good all day, thank god. Its so rare a day where I'm not upset for at least some part of the day. I love dating my fiance. Everytime we're together I remember why I chose him. I hope that I always will. I want so badly for us to already be married and living together.. ALONE. I've started talking to an old friend the past few days again. Not the friend I mentioned forgiving, a different friend. Reconnecting with old friends makes me happy. Its like reconnecting with an old lost version of myself. I love getting to do that, because theres a lot I miss about old me. The way I had no worries, and no stress, and could brighten anyone's day because I could always find the bright side of things. That was before i'd ever had to worry about how I was going to pay this bill, or where i would find money for something simple like shampoo or food. Growing up sucks, and ignorance is bliss. I hope my children listen when I tell them those are their glory days.

Bitchlist

So I didn't post yesterday because I was hanging out with our tiny man, Dominic. I love that little boy. I hope my kids are as well behaved as him. I really didn't think I thought about kids that much. I really don't feel like I do. I guess since half of the people I deal with daily are tiny my thoughts revolvev around them. Nothing has really been going on for the last two days. I brought Terri, Taryn, and Kameron home today. Thank goodness, they needed their own space. For being so tiny, babies take up lots of space. So. Much. Stuff!!

Tomorrow I have to get up super early to go to Primerica's annual compliance crap. Its so boring. I'm tired of Primerica. It's not primerica's fault though. It's jeffrey's I wish he would go to work. I'm so excited I'm going to make appointments this week to start touring venues for our wedding next weekend. We finally nailed down all the basics since we got our book. Like I said, excited about planning the wedding but if jeffrey doesn't start bringing in some money my head is going to explode from all the stress. I'm looking for a job so hard that I have begun applying to fast food. Pathetic I know. Alas, I need a job and I have no experience so I can not get hired. Thats all I have for today though, until tomorrow..

Sorry If my random thoughts give you verbal whiplash.

I was so right last night to say I want to wait for kids. Its probably just that I didn't have ANY sleep. Yep, I've been up for 24 hours. Whats the point of that? Oh well, I'm young- I bounce back quick.. What was i talking about? Oh yeah- right to want to wait because Kameron has been a hellian all morning! I'm talking yelling at the top of his lungs!! What the heck little man, what is sooo bad in your life? Squishy has been a delight though. Thats what terri and I have decided to call taryn. I love her.

I really really need a job. If anyone can help me out it would be very much appreciated. Also, I miss school.
Mom is out getting her hair done right now. I wish  I were getting my hair done. I wish I were doing anything that would make me feel beautiful. I've gained so much weight that i'm not strong enough to loose, and ever since I've just felt worse and worse about myself. I need to buy some more clothes. Its not like i'm those nasty fat girls who walk around in clothes three sizes too small, but buying some new bigger (gulp!) clothes that were flattering to my new body type might help.

I really wish I had some motivation to work out, or someone would forcefully steer me into better eating habits. Or preferably a magic pill that would  take the weight away. A no-more-fat fairy if you will? No? okay... Well until then suggestions are welcome. I realize the contents of this blog shifted in flight, but thats what you get when i'm running on no sleep with a two year old SCREAMING (literally) in my ear. Maybe I'll pull myself together for a decent post tonight that isn't so scatterbrained. I might just pass out at 7 or 8 o'clock. Who knows?

Babies and Weddings oh my!!

Today was SOO long. Mom woke me up this morning telling me she was going to pick Terri and the babies up because their water is off for the next few days. So we are a full house over here. Not that I mind, but I really wish that Terri and Kendall would get it together soon. To be fair though since miss taryn arrived they seem to be trying a lot harder. By they I mean Kendall. Terri is always trying. I hate seeing my sister struggle financially, it hurts and I worry for her and the babies.

On a positive note though it makes me really want to wait to have kids. Jeffrey and I babysat dominic today. I love spending time with that little booger. We watched him at his house. Apartment really. They stay at The Lynn, in a 3 bedroom apartment/palace. No, really its SOO nice. His nursery is extrememly nice too. Not that kameron's wasn't and taryn's isn't, but there is an obvious difference. Dominic has the best of everything, and it all matches lol. Matching and one consistant theme always have a nicer effect. I want to give my kids everything he has. So the point of all the baby talk is that I can't wait for that time of my life to come, but I am also very aware that that time is nowhere near now.

About a week and a half ago I ordered The ultimate wedding guide book from the knot. It comes with a planning timeline, worksheets, checklists, tips, FAQs, and lots of helpful things. It finally came in today, and I'm super excited!! Jeffrey and I got engaged on may 14th so we've been engaged for five months. We were waiting until our 3 year anniversary (which was october19th) to start planning so that it would be an even year of planning. So the day after we made plans to go visit two venues that we have had our eyes on for quite some time. Ashton Gardens, which was our favorite out of all the ones we have found, and the cheapest, closest option Oakland on Burnet Bay, Jeffrey was convinced that finding a venue was not the first thing to do, so we cancelled the appointments. I was heartbroken, but now we have the book and we get to do things in order and the right way!

I thought a lot about our future today.. Jeffrey is the best, most wonderful man I have ever known. I have no fear, doubt or worry about being with him everyday for the rest of my life. I'm pretty sure carrie underwood's new song, mama's song was written about us. He makes me better, and he is my bestfriend, he is my happy and he is my sad. He is everything i'm not and we are perfect for eachother. I have never felt so complete. I can't wait for the future.

Whats been bugging me lately.

You're lucky you can read this. No, really. I made the link on facebook hidden from family (including jeffrey's.)I have some feelings that i am not ready to share with them. So I gues its best not to even let them know I'm... feeling anything? Well you know what I mean.

Feelings are kind of a big deal to me. They are very personal and if I choose to share mine with you, you had better respect them. Unfortunately some people aren't like that. It is beyond me how people can ignore their emotions- ever, in any way. I had  an experience like this recently.

I wanted to talk with jeffrey's mother, my mother in law to be, about the way she was making me feel lately. Before I go on, let me just say, she and I get along beautifully. We both go out of our way to do things for eachother on a constant basis. I really feel like shes  already my mother (in law of course.) She takes care of me. Our talk turned into a disagreement and it ended very emotionaly. Thank God we've made up. It was so exhaustig being so upset for the three.. four? days we weren't talking.

Out of that situation Jeffrey's oldest sister is mad at me because she believe I was ugly to their mom. I wasn't, she wasn't, and jeffrey was there as a witness. Her being mad at me doesn't bother me so much because really who cares what a 33 year old living at home with her husband and two kids thinks? Not me. My life is far more together than hers. I'm sorry I know thats ugly. And I really don't even mean it.. much. The thing is it does bother me. Shannon and I were super close. Although even before this happened she was acting upset with me for some reason I don't understand. I hope we make up soon. I miss my other family, and jeffrey's house feels like enemy territory now. I know in time this will go away though.

What won't go away is jeffrey's cousin, Pepper. She's mad at me for the same reason. I was "fighting" with jeffrey's mom. I wasn't though. Really though, even if I was, as long as I wasn't disrespectful, or downright ugly who cares? It was no one's business but Jeffrey's, mine, and Lisa's. No one even knew what happened or what we were talking about. Pepper likes to hold grudges. Really long, relentless grudges. She doesn't let up, she doesn't forget, and she sure as hell doesn't forgive. She told jeffrey she was "done" with me, and that we could no longer be friends ever again. I hate when people are mad at me. Especially pepper because she has a way of making you feel extremely unwelcome, and she'll be at every family event. It's fine though it wasn't much of a friendship she talked, I listend. CONSTANTLY.

I had read a lot of Andy Andrews books a while back and learned a secret to success is forgiveness. He said forgiveness is not a gift to be given.No one you are mad at is sitting around worrying "omg! when will ___ forgive me?" they go on with their lives. Meanwhile you spend all kinds of time and energy holding onto anger that isn't hurting them, it's hurting you. So wheter or not she forgives me, I don't care her forgiveness doesn't make or break who I am.

Speaking of forgiveness, about six months ago I quit talking to a friend who I really really really really  started to miss. I'm considering making things right with her. I haven't decided yet though. When she exited my life, she said a lot of hurtful things to me about me and everyone in my life. I guess for that reason I'll sit on this idea until i've weighed all the options, and i'll let time tell.  I have so much more to say but I'll end here for now. Toodles!

Lets try this out.

My cousin Krissy has a blog that she posts in everynight. Its made me laugh, made me cry, and made me love her in a way I never expected when I began reading it. I like that even though we aren't close like we were when we were kids I can see into her mind. I feel like I know her again. I know that everyday she feels so much better when she can spit all of her thoughts out into her blog. I want that. A place to vent, someone to talk to who won't talk back. I need that. I'm an amazing listener. I also love to talk, but I feel like no one really lets me. Not including my amazing fiance jeffrey. Of course he listens to me. He damn well better. But you know boys- if you get too emotioal too often they can't handle it. Me, I'm an emotional kind of girl. Fair warning reader(s): This post and every post hereafter has the potential to be extremely, irrationally emotional. Anyways point is: Krissy's blog started the same way- for her. Therapy. But with who she is she's managed to help people. I love that too, but don't expect that here. I can't even help myself. I don't want to make this too long and discourage you from reading what I have to say, so i'll actually write about what made me feel the need to start venting tomorrow. ooh.. cliff hanger!

P.S, check out Krissy's blog! Scrambled Eggs